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Friday, January 13th, 2006
11:10 am - PEE-PAW VS THE RAVAGES OF SINUSITIS
PEEPAW'S GOT HIM ONE OF THEM SIGN US INFECTIONS!
EVER FEW MINUTES PEEPAW GETS HIM THA FEELIN OF FAHRE ANTS SQUIRMIN AN SHAKIN IN HIS NOGGIN AN THEN A BUNCHA RANCID MAN GRAVY GOOP COMES SHOOTIN OUT OF HIS BREATHIN HOLES!
FILTHY BIDNISS!

ITS INTERFERIN WIT PEEPAWS REGULAR SCHEDULED DOINS!
PEEPAW HAS HISSELF ONE OF THEM UPWARDLY MO-BILE LIFESTYLES, CEPT WITOUT ALL THEM CAR-DI-GONE SWETTIRS AN KAKKY SHORTS THEM NANCY BOYS BE RUNNIN ROUND WIT.
BEST NOT BE COMIN ROUND PEEP-PAW WIT DEM SANDALS ON WITCHER TOYS STICKIN OUT LIKE UNCOOKED COCKTAIL WEENIES YOU MARTINI SIPPIN SH!TBAGS!

ITS TAKIN TAH ZING OUTA PEEPAW'S TROUSER SWING!
PEE-PAW WILL BE DOIN HIS BIDNISS BEHIND THA TAST-E FREEZE, PLYIN PORK UPON SOME DOZY TROLLUP ALL UP CLOSE AN PERSONAL ON THA BACK OF HIS BITCHIN CANDY APPLE RED TURCELL, BONKIN "BIG" BERTHA WIT DEM ULTRAMAN SIZED FUNBAGS WHICH GO FLIPPIN AND A FLOPPIN FIT TO FLY OFF LIKE TWO GLAD BAGS FILT WIT BACON!

PEE-PAW IS PRONE TA GETTIN HISSELF HIP-NO-TIZED BY SWIRLIN SWEATER MEATS. PEEPAW THOUGHT HE WAS A CHIKKEN FER TWO WEEKS AFTER HIS VISIT TA DOLLYWORLD.

SO THERE PEEPAW WAS, POKIN AN PRODDIN DAT WAIT-RESS SUMPIN FIERCE, FEELIN THA AMMU-NITION OF MAN CHOWDER BEIN READY TO SPARK OUTTA TWELF INCHES O BLUE STEEL WHENS ALL THA COME-OCEAN DONE SHOOK LOOSE SOME O THAT BOOGER SLIME OUTA PEE-PAW'S FACE AN RIGHT INTA BERTHA'S LITTLE BROWN SPIDER!
CEPT BERTHA'S BUTT OPENIN WAS MORE LAHKE ONE OF THEM CY-CLOPS WIT A SHINER AN A FERO-SHEOUS CASE O THA PINK EYE.

SO THAT SNOT SCUD MISS-ILE PLOPPED RITE INTA THAT ROUNDEYE LIKES HAFFA POUND O VANNILER JELLO PUDDIN!
SPLORCH!

LUCKY FER PEEPAW BERTHA WAS A CARD CARRYIN MEMBER O THAT BACKDOOR BIDDYS, AN USETA OFFIR HER BOOTY PLATTER UP TA BERDOO BADGERS MOTOR-CYCLE CLUB FREE O CHARGE. SHE TOOK THIS HERE UNFORTUNATE SNOT SOSHUL FO PAW AS AN LAYIN SAFETY FOAM FER A CRASH LANDIN ALONG THAT HERSHEY HIGHWAY! PEEPAW BEIN THA GENTLEMANLY CHAP HE BE, BALLED UP ONE FISTES AN GAVE THAT STARVIN STINKTER A HEAPIN HELPIN O KNUCKLE SAMMICH!

ITS CUSTOMARY FER THEY TO BE TWO FER THA PINKS AND ONE FER THA STINKS, BUT AS DEY SAY, NECCES-CITY IS THA MOTHIR OF INVENSHUN!

(16 comments | comment on this)

Thursday, September 22nd, 2005
12:43 am - PEEPAW'S WILD RIDE
PEEPAW BEEN FEELIN BETTER LATELY. EVIR SINCE HE WOKES UP ONE MORNIN AN FOUND HE WAS DEAD.

BEIN DEAD AINT WHATIT USETA. USETA HAVE ONE OF DEM FANCY FUNERALS. PEEPAW WAS SAID TA PUT THA "FUN" IN FUNERALS. SPESHULLY WHIN ALL THEM WEEPIN WOMENS COME HANGIN OVIR TAH COFFIN WIT DERE TATERS ALL BULGIN OUTTA DERE FUNERAL DRESSES. IF IT TWERENT FER THEM SCRATCHY COFFIN PANTS PEEPAW WOULD BE NUT DEEP IN AFIR LIFE BOOB BUMPIN!

DEY STICK YOU WIT ALL THIS EMBOMBIN FLUID, WHICH GO DOWN REAL NICE WIT A FEW PABST BLUE RIBBONS. KINDA LIKE BEIN IN DAT RIDE AT THA DISNEY WIT ALL THEM METAL CRITTERS RUNNIN ROUND SCREECHIN AN HOLLERIN AN METAL MOUTHS A FLAPPIN BOUT BIZ BLAZZ AN HOO HAH AN PEEPAW LOOKIN AT ALL THEM LADIES WIT DERE BOOSOMS ALL FLIPPIN AN FLOPPIN LIKE FLAPJACKS ATTA TRUCK STOP DINER. "NOTTINS FINER THAN THA SMELL OF YER VAGINER" PEEPAW WHISPERS TO EM AN AFORE YOU CAN CATERWALL "ITS A SMALL WORLD AFTIR ALL" PEEPAW KNOWS DIS TO BE TRUE WHEN HE IS TRYIN TA STICK A FOOT AN A HAFF OF TALLYWHACKER UP SOME BROAD'S LITTLE BROWN SPIDER.

ALL DEM TROLLS AN ELVES AN SHIT START GATHIRIN ROUND, WANKIN AN SPANKIN, SWEAT BEEDIN UP ON DEY KNOTTED FOREHEADS, TINY PECKIRS SHOOTIN OFF LIKE POPPED PIMPLES INTO EECH OTHIRS BEARDS. SINFUL BIDNISS!

"FUCK OFF, SHORT STACKS! THIS HERE'S A PRIVATE MOMENT TWEEN PEEPAW AN DIS GIRL'S FANNY! BY THA FEEL HE GOTS HIMSELF A FIRST TIMER! FEELS LIKE SHE A QUART LOW!"

WHAT GETS EM RUNNIN IS WHEN YOU PULLS OUT THA OLD TUBE SNAKE AFTIR DOIN THA BACK DOOR BOOGIE AN YOU GOTS A LITTLE BIT O NATURE'S HERSHEY'S KISS ON THA END OF YER PECKER. THEM LIL FELLERS SQUEEL AN RUN ROUND LIKE FAT KIDS ATTA CAKE CONVENSHUN. YA TAKE SCRUMPY AN RUBS IT ON HIS UPPER LIP AN GIVES HIM ENUFF OF A FILTHY SANCHEZ AN HE AINT NEVIR GONNA MESS WITHCHA AGAIN.

STUMBLIN ROUND LIKE HE WIT DA SHAME OF A SHIT STAINED HITLER STACHE SURE DO GET A POINT ACROSS!

(25 comments | comment on this)

Wednesday, March 30th, 2005
12:36 pm - PEE-PAW VERSUS THE GREAT BEYOND
THERE PEE-PAW WAS, SITTIN ON THA TERLET, STRUGGLIN WIT AN SPESHULLY RUFF COLON CLOG. DAMN THEM FREEHOLE NEGROS! ALL THAT ROUGHAGE GOT HIS INTESTINES IN A STATE O REVOLT! IT WERE LIKE PASSIN A PO-LICE BATON OUT THA RAISIN HOLE. WHICH AINT NO FUN IFFYA AINT LUBED UP FIRST, LET PEE-PAW TELLS YA.
DAMN YOU, DEVIL BEAN!

SO PEE-PAW STARTS THA OLE STAND BY, WORKIN THA PEE-POLE LIKE A MERGENCY SHIT STOP BREAK. THA MORE HE YANKS, THA MORE THAT LOG DIPPED AND DIPPED TOWARD THA SWIRLY CHOCOLATE WATIR.

AFTER STRAININ AN CURSIN AN TWO NUTS BURST LIKE A SQUARSHED TOMATER, PLOP PLOP FIZZ FIZZ WENT THA CONSPIRATIZIN DOOKIE. CEPT PEE-PAW HAD HIM A PROBLIM. PEE-PAW USED UP ALL THA TERLET PAPER SEEPIN UP ALL THAT MAN CHOWDER HE DONE SQUIRT OUT DROPPIN THA LOG!
PEE-PAW ALREDY GOTS HISSELF A BATTLE FEELD O BEDSORES DOWN THERE, DON'T NEED NUTTIN ELSE DIRTYIN UP THA BACK PORCH!

ALL OFFA SUDDEN, THAT JOHNNY COCHRANE FELLER APPEARS ALL FUZZY AN BRIGHT WHITE INNA SHIMMERIN SEE THRU CLOUD FRONT N CENTER.
"IF ITS YOUR ASS YOU GOTTA WIPE TONIGHT
USE YOUR UNDERPANTS AND DO IT RIGHT!"

DAMN IF THAT FELLER DIDNT HAVE HIM A POINT!
ALL THEM COURT TALKIN GAVE THAT FELLER SOME WISDOM.
"YOU AINT WHISLIN DIXIE!"
"YOU CAN ALWAYS WAIT TO GET THE SCOOP
FROM JOHNNIE C. WHILE TAKIN A POOP."

"THASS GREAT. NOW GIVE PEE-PAW SOME PRIVACY, YOU SPECTRAL PECKER CHECKER!"

PEE-PAW THOUGHT HAVIN A RHYMIN SPIRIT WOULD BE GOOD FER SHITS AN GIGGLES, SPESHULLY THA SHITS, BUT HE STARTED TA GET PEE-PAWS STYLE MORE CRAMPED THAN A TUBBY HOOKER ON THA RAG.

SPESHULLY WHEN PEE-PAW WUZ WIT THA LADIES.
"IF YOU AINT GOT A RUBBER AND YOU WANNA RUT,
FLIP HER OVER AND POKE THE BUTT."

"SHADDUP, YOU! PEE-PAW DON'T NEED NO ADVICE BOUT PORKIN!"
"JOHNNIE'S EYES ARE LIKE A SHINY BADGE
AND HE SPIES WITH HIS LITTLE EYES THE GOOEY VAG!"
"HELL WIT CHU! LITTLE CLAMIDDEYA AINT HURT NOBODY! NOW GET!"

THEN HE STARTS TELLIN PEE-PAW HOWDA DO EVERTHANG!
"JUST A DAB OF BUTTER AND YOU SHALL SEE
THAT THAT TOAST WONT TASTE LIKE A RAG SOAKED IN PEE."
"THASS DISGUSTIN! SIDES, PEE-PAW NEEDS THAT BUTTIR CAUSE HE IS OUT OF THA KAY WHY. NOW YOU GIT!"

PEE-PAW STARTID COMIN AFTIR HIM WIT A FLY SWATTER, BUT SEEIN HOW HE WUZ DEAD AN IMMATIRIAL AN WHAT NOT, IT WERENT WORKIN TOO GOOD.

SO PEE-PAW VISITED HIM ONE OF DEM PALM REEDER TYPE PEEPLES, AN PICKED HIM UP SOME OF THAT "GHOST BE GONE" BRAND OF SUPIRNATRAL FLY PAPER.

HE HUNGS IT UP AN WAITED FER THAT FELLER TO COME BACK.
AN RIGHT AS RAIN, IT SETTLED HIS HASH!

"HOLY SHIT! I AM RIGHT AND STUCK!
GET ME DOWN YOU WRINKLED FUCK!"

PEE-PAW GRABBED HIM A BIG OLD O CULT TRASH BAG AN THREWED HIM IN IT.
IF THEM GHOSTS THIS STUFF DONT QUIT,
YER MONIES BACK IS WHUT YEW WILL GET!

(30 comments | comment on this)

Sunday, February 27th, 2005
3:55 pm - PEE-PAW VERSUS CALVIN KLEIN
PEE-PAW DONED JOINED HISSELF UP ON DAT 'MYSPACE' THINGAMAJIG, SEEIN AS HE DONE BEEN KICKED OUTTA EVREE CHAT ROOM DEY IS. THEM SUTHIRN BAPTISTS SHORE DON'T LIKE FELLIRS PUTTIN PITURES O THEIR TACKLEBOX ON THA INNER-NET!
STOOPID PRUDES!

SO PEE-PAW GOES WHAR THA ACSHUN IS, AN THA YOUNG LADIES AINT GOT NO SHAME OR SEMBLENCE O DECENCY! PEE-PAW GOES LOOKIN FER SOME FRESH AXE WOUND, BUT FINS SOMEPIN ELSE TO GET HIM TA GAGGIN LIKE A MIDGIT HOOKIR AT A GANG BANG.
WHAS ALL THESE HERE PITTURES WIT FELLERS WIT THEYS SHIRT OFF? THEY FILMIN 'HEE-HAW' ROUND THA CORNIR?

PEE-PAW COME HERE TA LOOKIT TITTIES AN PEER AT POON, AN ALL HE FINDS ISSA FELLIRS WIT BOOBAGES THA SIZED O BAKED HAMS! NIPPLES POKIN OUT LIKE WHORES-DERVS COCKTALE WEENIES!
DISGUSTIN!

SO PEE-PAW WANTS TA SEE MORE PITTURES OF LADIES WIT DEY SHIRTS OFF. SENT PITTURES OF YER MOMMY BAGS TA PEE-PAW, TA HELP E-RASE THEM VISHUNS OF FELLERS WIT THEY PERODACTYLS ALL LATHIRED AN HULKIN.

IFF'N YOUSE FEELIN GEN-RUS, SENDS SOME PITTURES OF YER COOTER, TOO!
SPREAD DEM LIPS LIKE A LARGE MOUF BASS!!!

(20 comments | comment on this)

Thursday, February 24th, 2005
6:47 pm - PEE-PAW VERSUS HISTORICAL INACCURACIES
PEE-PAW AINT SEEN SHIT IN FORTY DAYS!
THEM CAT-RACTS BEEN WORKIN UP SUMPIN SINFUL!

THEY PEE-PAW WUZ, LAYIN NEKKID INNA BACKYARD, WATCHIN HIM SUM MATLOCK WIT A LARGE TENSHUN CORD TO THA LIL BLACK AN WHITE TEE-VEE, LATHIRIN HISSELF RIGHT AN PROPIR WITH PABST BLUE RIBBIN INNA KIDDIE POOL.

PEE-PAW REMEMIRS THA TIMES WHEN EVERTHANG WUZ IN BLACK N WHITE! KIDS, DON LET DEM TEECHERS FOOL YA. THEY NEVIR WAS NO COLORS TILL THA FIFTIES, WHEN THA PITTURES HADTA COMPETE WIT THAT TELE VISHUN. TED TURNIR AN WALT DISNEY THEN INVENTED COLORS AND PUTTIM ON SCREEN. THEN TO FILL OUT THEY DASTURDLY DEEDS THEY MADE THEM A TIME MACHINE AN WENT BACK AN PUT COLORED ON EVERTHANG!

THEY PAINTED IN PITTURES AND PUDDIN AN PIE!

THEY WAS IN LEEGE WITH THEM COMMUNISS, SINCE THEY LOVED RED SO MUCH, THEY HAD TA INVENT IT! DIRTY FREE LOVIN RUSKIES! THEY WAS HIPPIES BEFORE THEY WAS HIPPIES!

SO PEE-PAW LIKES HIS PITTURES IN BLACK N WHITE THE WAYS THEY WAS BACK YONDIR. SO PEE-PAW IS STARIN AT DA SCREEN WHEN SOME SKIRRLS COME RUNNIN ROUND, CHIRPIN AN COLLECTIN NUTS, TA CHEW WIT THEY DIRTY, DIRTY TEEFS! LEEVIN SHELLS AN CANDIED SHIT FAR AS THA EYE CAN SEE!
PEE-PAW GETS SO CHOCK FULL O RAGE HE SHITS HIS PANTS RUNNIN!

CEPT IN THA THRASHIN AN PANT SOILIN, HE PULLS IN THA TEEVEE INTA THA POOL AN ELECTRACATES HISSELF RIGHT AN PROPIR.
HE HASTA GO FEELIN BOUT THA SKREETS, BLIND, NAKID AN COVERED IN BLOOD, LIKE A NEWBORN PUPPY BUKKAKE BLOWOUT.

LUCKY FER PEE-PAW IT WERE SUMMER, SO LADIES HAD ON DEM BIKINIS AN THEY BREASTESES HANGIN OUT! HOT TIGHT AN BOUNCIN LIKE JELLO ONNA TEETER TOTTER!

ALL THEM MOMMY BAGS FLIPPIN AN FLOPPIN UNDER FUMBLIN FINGERS GETS THA PEE-POLE HUMMIN LIKE A TOOTHLESS HOOKER AT A KAZU CONVENSHUN! WIT ALL THA BLOOD RUSHIN DOWN YONDIR, PEE-PAW STARTS GETTIN BACK HIS SIGHT.

AN WHAT DOES HE SEE BUT HIPPY AFTIR TREE HOLE FUCKIN HIPPY WALKIN ROUND WIT FLIP FLOPS! TOES STICKIN OUT LIKE STUCK SHITS IN AN ELEFANTS ASS!
PEE-PAW DOES THA SPONSIBLE THING AN GETS TA STOMPIN!
SKE-WISH SKE-WISH SKE-WISH!
TOENAILS POPPIN LIKE POPPIN KERNALS INNA PAN!

IT WERE LIKE STEPPIN ON GRAPES! PEE-PAW DRINKIN RIGHT TO-NITE!

(40 comments | comment on this)

Wednesday, October 6th, 2004
11:58 am - JIM JONES SIDESHOW CIRCUS
PEE-PAW GOT HISSELF A CASE OF THA OLDE TYME REELIGION!
ITS A BADDIN, TOO.
ALMOST AS BAD AS WHEN HE DONE CAME DOWN WIT DA ACTIN BUG. WHICH DONE
TURNED OUT TA BE JUST GOOD OLE CRABS. LAST TIME PEE-PAW LETS JAMES LIPTON
USE HIS TERLET SEAT!

SO THEY IS PEE-PAW WALKIN AN SCRATCHIN AT HIS BATHIN SUIT AREAS, WHEN HE
SEES HISSELF A GOOD OLE TENT REVIVAL! CEPT DIS HERE WAS THA REEL DEEL!
FOLKS WAS HANDLIN SERPINTS, SPEEKIN IN TONGES, AN BREETHIN FAHRE!
THEY WUZ EVIN DOIN MIRAKLES, BUT THEY WUZ ALL PRACTICUL LIKE.

LOST TEE-VEE REMOTES WUZ FOUND, LEPPARDS HEALED, GENTILE WARTS SENT
SCREEMIN TA HADES, INTREST RATES LOWIRD, AN RETARDS A-UNAFLICTID. THEM
TARDS WENT TA REEDIN AN RITIN AN CEESED AND DE-SISTID WITH THEY SCREEMIN,
FIGETIN, DROOLIN AN PLAYIN WIT DEYSELF! PEE-PAW EVEN GOSTA COP A FEEL OF A
TOUCHED GIRLY WHO USLLY WENT TA HOLLERIN AT THA NOSHUN OF A GOOD PICKLE
TICKLE!

THIS ONE FELLER WAS DOIN ALL THE YAKKY YAKK BOUT SOME HOOHAH , AN PEEPAW
WERENT PAYIN NO MIND SEEIN AS THA CHURCH LADIES WUZ JUMPIN UP AN DOWN, THEY
FUN BAGS A FLOPPIN AN FLYIN! CEPT THA PEE-PAW WAS SET TA ITCH AN MESSY
SCRATCH CAUSEA THEM CREEPIN CROTCH CRITTERS!
PEE-PAW BEGAN TO DANCE LIKE HE GOT HOLY GHOST ANTS INNIS PANTS!

"I SEE YOU HAVE THE SPIRIT, MY SON" THAT JONES FELLER SEZ, WIT PEE-PAW
SEEIN HISSELF SQUIRMIN AN JERKIN BOUT IN HIS SHINY SEE YERSELF KINDSA
SHADES.
"SHEE IT, PEE-PAW'S GOT STUFF INNIS COLON OLDER'N YOU, CHURCHY!"
"MAYBE YOU WOULD LIKE TO USE SOME OF THAT EXTRA ENERGY TO HAND OUT THIS
KOOL AID TO THE REST OF THE FLOCK..."
"NOTHIN DOIN!" AS PEE-PAW GRABBDED ALL THAT JUICY JUICE FER HISSELF, AN
SLURPED IT DOWN.

"MY CYANIIIII...I MEAN, NOT SO MUCH NOW! WE HAVE TO SHARE!"
"NUTS TO THAT! WHY DONTCHA UP AN LOAVES AN FISHES IT, YA NO GOOD PAINTSUIT
WEARIN..."
PEE-PAW THEN STARTS FEELIN NOT SO GOOD IN THA GUT PARTS, AN HIS SEEIN STARTS GETTIN FUZZY, AN IT TWERENT JUST HIS GLOCK-COMA NEETHIR!
THAT REEFER IS MEDICINAL! HE GOTS IT FAIRS AN SQUARES FROM A PASTA-FARIAN!
HANDS OFF!

THEN A NEARBY WALL DONE BLOWS UP, AN SOME FELLER SHAPED LIKE A PITCHER OF
PERIOD JUICE COMES JUMPIN FORTHWITH.
"OHHHH YEAHHH!"
JONES STARTS GETTIN ALL ANGRY LIKE.

"SO, KOOL AID MAN. WE MEET AT LAST. HAVE AT YOU!"
"JONES, HERE IS YOUR RECEIPT FROM YOUR PALS AT THE C.I. HEY YEAAAAHH!!"

SO THEYS STARTS A PUNCHIN, KICKIN, SPITTIN ANNA SHITTIN, WIT THA
CONSTERPATED SLOSHY FELLER SPILLIN ALL OVIR THA OTHIR FELLER.
"I JUST HAD THIS CLEANED YOU CORPORATE SHILL!!!"
"TASTE SOME OF YOUR OWN MEDICINE, FRESHLY SQUEEZED FROM YOU THE U.S.HEY OH
YEAHHH!!!"
"NOOOOOO!!!!!"

BUT THA BES NEWS IS THAT GUT CHURNIN KOOL AID DONE KILT OFF ALL DEM CRABS!
CEPT IT GIVED PEEPAW THE BACK DOOR SQUEEWIRTS SOMEPIN AWFUL, BUT DAT TARDID
GIRL SHO DIDN MIND DA SMELL!
OH YEAHHH!!!

(14 comments | comment on this)

Tuesday, July 27th, 2004
4:00 pm - TO BEES THA MAN, YA GOSTA EATS THA MAN
PEEPAW DONT KNOW ABOUT YOUSE, BUT HE IS GONNA LIVES FOREVIR.
PEEPAW ALREADY DONE DIED A FEW TIMES, BUT WASNT GONNA LET A FEW THINGS LIKE BULLITS, BOMBS, BEAR BITES AN BLOOD LETTIN KEEPS HIM DOWN!

SO PEEPAWS HASTA KEEPS UP TA DATE WIT RELIGEN STUFFS.
PEEPAW LIKED HOW THEM INJUNS SAID YER BODY STAYED WITHCHA THRUS HELLS AN HIGH WATIRS, SO HE DONE JUS THAT, STOLE BACK HIS SCALP, SLAPPED IT BACK ON WITTA MIXCHORE OF MAN MILK AN TREE SAP, AN SLEPT ONNA BLANKETA SMALL POX LIKE IT AINT NO THANG!
NOT TA MENSHUN SHOWIN SOME SQUAWS THA "HAPPY TRAIL OF TEARS"!!!
BIG HEAP POISON!

THEM KEERISTER FOLK LETCHA KEEP YER SKIN SOOT AS QUICK AS YA SIT, BUTCHA GOTTA WAIT FER THA TRIPATASHUN AN ARM-A-MELLON AN FANCY BUGLE PLAYN AN WHUT NOTS, SO PEEPAW SAID KEEP YER EYE CANDY MOSES, PEEPAW IS ON THA LAMB.

SO HE LIKES HIM THAT RE-IN-CARNATION INSTANT BREKFAST HOO-HA. CEPT HE AINT WAITIN TO BE NO BABY NOWAYS, SO PEEPAW FINDS HISSELF A BIG OLE WOMIN, FLICKS OUT THA ZY-GOAT, AND SLEEPS IT OFF FER NINE MONTHS, TILL ITS PEE-PAW'S MEAT CURTAIN CALL.

PEE-PAW DONE PUSHED OUT, NEKKID AN KOOL AID COLORID, SLAPPED THA DOCTIR, TOOK HIS TAHME AT THA TEETS, AN MADE HIS WAY TO THA ALL NIGHT DIRTY BAG ALL YEW CAN EATS JAMBOREE!

"THIS AINT NATURAL" SAYS THA BIRTHIN LADY.
"NEETHUR YORE HAIR COLIR. CHESTNUT MY AUNT FANNY! NOW LESS WHININ, AN MORE DININ!"

AFTIR PEEPAW WUZ DONE, HE WENT STROLLIN, TILL SOME HIPPY STARTS TELLIN PEEPAW HIS BIZNUSS.
"HEY, MAN, YOU CAN'T, LIKE, REINCARRRRNATE THAT WAY, MAN!"
"NUTS TO YOU STINKY! PEEPAW DUZ WHATSHE WANTS. NOW MAKE WIT THA STICKY ICKY!"
"NAW, MAN, YOU ARE LIKE, MESSIN WIT THA COSMOS! WORD HAS IT BUDDHA HIMSELF WANTS A PIECE OF YOU. HE'S WRESTLIN AT THE COBB COUNTY CIVIC CENTER. CHECK IT OUT!"

SO PEEPAW MAKES HIS WAY DOWN YONDIR AN LO AND BE HOLD, ONNA POSTER THERES THA RAMPAGIN BUDDHA VS. "NATURE BOY" RIC FLAIR.

PEEPAW BURSTS IN AN MAKES HIS WAY TO THA RING, WHERE THIS BOOOHA SITS LIKE A STUCK PIG IN A PIGGLY WIGGLY FOTO SHOOT.

"OUTA THA WAY, GRAMPS." PEEPAW SEZ TO THA FELLER WALKIN FRONT OF HIM IN THA SEEQUINT GOWN.
"DO YOU, WOOOOOOOO, KNOW WHO I AM? I AM THE JET FLYIN, LIMOSINE RIDIN, KISS STEALIN, WHEELIN DEALIN SON OF A GUN! YOU WANNA BE THE MAN, YOU GOTTA BEAT THE MAN!"
"PEE-PAW LIKES PEANUT BUTTIR ONNA STICK."

PEEPAW DISTRACTS THA LOUD TALKIN FELLER WIT A BAG O SNIFFIN POWDER, AND MAKES HIS WAY TO BUDDHA.
"YOU AINT KEEPIN PEEPAW FROM COMIN BACK WAYS HE SEES FIT, FATTY!"
BUDDHAW GETS ALL RED AN SWEATY AN SEZ:
"The four noble truths clearly dictate that..."
"PEEPAW SEZ YOU AINT NUTTIN BUT TEN POUNDSA GREESE INNA FIVE POUN BAG! UNFORCHEWNATE FER YEW, BEIN BORN GIFFS PEEPAW AN EVIL LUST FER PIG FAT!"

SO PEEPAW GRABS HISSELF A BIG OLE PEECE OF BUDDHA BLUBBER AN STARTS CHAWIN. TASTES LIKE BACON SOAKED IN PACHEWLI ERL!
GRITS AN GRAVY, ITS HARD EATIN!

BUT PEEPAW CHEWS AN CHEWS, CHOKIN DOWN EACH ENLITENED BITE WIT A SLUG OF OLE PABST BLUE RIBBON, TILL THEY AINT NUTTIN BUT ASSHOLE, TEEFS AN TOENAILS.

LESS SEE THA DOLLY LLAMA DO DAT!

(38 comments | comment on this)

Tuesday, February 3rd, 2004
7:59 pm - PEE-PAW AN THA ANAL SPITOON EXTRAVAGANZA
THA LAST TAHME WE SAY PEE-PAW, HE WOKE UP FINDIN HISSELF ON ONE OF THEM NAVEE SHIPS IN THA MID SEVENTIES.
WELL, MAYBE WE AINT, BUT PEE-PAW CANT A KEEP TRACKS OF ALL HIS COMINS AN GOINS!
SOMETIMES PEE-PAW FINDS HISSELF HUDDLIN IN BUSHES OR TAKIN HIM A SQUAT IN YOURINE INFESTED BACK ALLEYS.
AINT NO TELLIN!

SO ANYWHO, PEE-PAW HAS TA FIGGURE SOME WAY OFFA THIS HERE BOAT. PEE-PAW NEVER DID LEARN HISSELF TO SWIM. WHEN PEE-PAW WUZ YOUNGIR, THEYS TRIED TEECHIN HIM THA DOGGY PADDLE, IF THEY TOOK OFFA HIS WATIR WINGS, HE DONE SANKED RIGHT TO THA BOTTIM! THEN PEE-PAW HAD TA BREETH HISSELF WATIR! WHICH AINT WHATTITS CRACKED UP TO BE, NEETHER.

BUT ITS BETTRN SPLISHIN AN SPLOSHIN ONNA TIN BOAT WIT NO POON AS FAR ASSA EYE CAN SEE, SO PEE-PAW STARTS BLOWIN AIR INTA HIS UNNERPANTS, SO THEYS FLOAT WHEN HE HITS THA WATIR, CEPT HE KEPT GETTIN GLANCES O THAT PEE-POLE, WHICH IS MIGHTY DISTRACTIN!

"PRIVATE PEE-PAW, WHAT IS YOUR MAJOR MALFUNCTION!!!"
IT WERE THAT R. LEE ERMY FELLER, HOOTIN AN HOLLERIN.
"YOU IS AWFUL PUSHY FER A MIDGIT!"
"WHAT IN SAM HILL IS WRONG WITH YOU, PRIVATE PAW? IT LOOKS LIKE YOU ARE TRYING TO SUCK A GOLF BALL THROUGH A GARDEN HOSE! THIS HERE IS A MAN'S ARMY!"
"THOUGHTS THIS WUZ THA NAVY!"
"NUMB NUTS, YOU JUST BOUGHT YOURSELF KITCHEN DETAIL! BUT FIRST YOU GOTTA PICK OUT A UNIFORM! WE HAVE QUITE THE SELECTION. YOU CAN BE A COWBOY, A CONSTRUCTION WORKER, AN INDIAN, A..."
"NAW! PEE-PAW AINT BEIN NUTHIN SO DANGED FRUITY! PEE-PAW WILL TAKE HIM THA LEATHER BIKER, THANKEE VER MUCH!!!"
"GET TO THE MESS HALL!!!"

SEEIN AS PEE-PAW WAS HONGRY FROM ALL THAT HUFFIN ONNIS PANT PARTS, HE DIDN MIND ATTAL. CEPT HE WAS HEERIN ALL MANNIR OF NOISE COMIN FROM THA BIG OPIN AREEA NEX TO THAT TERLET. SEEMS THA FELLERS WAS HAVIN THEM A RASSLIN CONTEST! CEPT THEY WUZ ALL GREESED UP SOMEPIN FUNNY, AN NOT WEERIN NOTHIN BUT THEY UNDIES!

"HEY THERE, SEMEN! CARE TA TAKE A TUSSEL?"
FORE PEE-PAW KNEWED WHUT WAS HASSLIN, THEY WAS A GROPIN AN GRABBIN, AND THROWIN PEE-PAW INNA RING.

ALL THAT JOSTLIN GOT PEE-PAW'S PARTS INNA BUNDLE. PEE-THEN HADTA SINCE UP HIS INDUSTRIAL SIZED MAN BRAZEERE, AS TA NOT DISTRACT THA OTHIR SAILIN MEN ALL DELIQUENT IN THEYS SPERM SHOOTIN EX-TRAVAGANZAS.

YES, PEE-PAW WORE HIM A SUPPORTIF UNNER GARMIT!
HIS PTERODACTYLS AINT AS TIGHT AS THEY USTA BE!

CEPT THA OTHIR FELLER AINT HERD OF NO GOOD SPORTSMANSHIP, AN TAKES HIM A WHACK AT PEE-PAW! HE TRIED TA TAKE VANTAGE, AN SLAP ON THA OLE "COBRA CLUTCH"!
DEADLY BISNISS!

CEPT PEE-PAW WASA TRI STATE CHAMPEEN IN CATCH AS CATCH CAN RASSLIN, THREE YEARS RUNNIN, AN THA INTERGENDER CHAMPEEN FER LIFE UNTIL THAT ANDY KAUFMAN CHARACTER RAN OFF WIT DA BELT.

PEE-PAW TOOKS HIM DOWN, BUT THAWT IT WAS TAHME TO TEECH THESE HERE FELLERS A LESSON. PEE-PAW REDIED HISSELF FER HIS DREEDED SUB-MISSUN MOVE, "THA SODDOM-MISSHUN", WHICH CONSISTS OF CORN HOLIN A FELLER TILL HE CRIES OUT MARY!
PUT THIS FELLER WERENT A TAPPIN! HE STARTS COOIN AN MOANIN LIKE A BABY WITH AN ASS FULLA ASFALT!

THIS CALLS FER DESPERITE MESURES! PEE-PAW HADTA PULL OUT THA DREDED AN INFAMUS "ANAL SPITOON"! A MOVE SO HIDEUS THAT IT CAUSED ABDULLAH THA BUTCHIR TO BE BANNED FRUM HIS NATIF SUDAN FER LIFE!

PEE-PAW HAD A MOUF FULLA CHEWIN TOBACCER, SO HE GRABBED THAT FELLER BY THA BUTT CHEEKS, SPREADUM LIKE A BUTTIRFLIES WINGS, AN LET FORTH WIT THA SPITTIN.
THAT BACCIR JUICE STARTS A BUBBLIN ANA POPPIN, LIKE BACON INNA PAN!

GROWED MEN WAS FAINTIN! THA PAINT PEELED FROM THA WALLS AN MULES CRIED FOR MERCY!
THAT FELLIR QUIT WIT A QWICKNESS, AN PEE-PAW WAS THA CHAMPEEN AGIN!

IT WERE SO POPLAR THAT PEE-PAW GOTS TA TRAVIL WITH THAT BOB HOPE FELLER TA INNERTAIN THA TROOPS, AN EVEN GOTA PLAY GOLF WIT GERALD FORD. BESS PRESIDENT WE EVIR DONE HAVED SINCE HOWARD 'FATASS' TAFT BIT THA WRONG END OF THA BUCKIT!

(59 comments | comment on this)

Tuesday, January 27th, 2004
8:27 am - HACK N SLASH FICSHUN
PEE-PAW WAS LOOKIN ONNA INNER-NET THA OTHIR DAY, AN HE IS A-PALLED!

SEEMS FELLERS OUT DERE IS WRITIN WHAT THEY CALL THA "SLASH" FICSHUN! DIRTY TALES BOUT HARRY POOPSHOOT SMOOCHIN AN FEELIN UP ON LIL BOYS, AN CAPIN KIRK AN SPOCK GETTIN IT ON!

ONE STOREE EVEN HAS KIRK THA ONE WHO GAVE SPOCK THEM FUNNY EARS BY A TUGGIN AN A YANKIN ONNIS HEAD DURIN A BIT O THA SKULL FUCKERY!
FILTHY!

SO PEE-PAW DECIDES TA WRITE HIS OWN, CEPT HIS IS ALL REEL!

HERE IT WERE, THA MID SIXTIES, AN PEE-PAW WAS INNA PRIME OF SCRUMP! THEY WAS FREE LOVE INNA AIR, EVEN THOUGH PEE-PAW NEVER HADTA PAY FER IT!
CEPT WHENS HE WANTSA HOT CARL ORRA CHILI DAWG.
DAMN PRUDES!

CEPT DERE WAS ONE FILLY WHO GAVE PEE-PAW AN ITCH HE JUST GOSTA SCRATCH, AN FER ONCE HE WERENT TALKIN BOUT THA V.D!

PEE-PAW IS TALKIN BOUT THA VOLUPTUS AN LEGGY JULIE NEWMAR!
PEE-PAW SEED HER A SITTIN ROUND INNA CAT SOOT ONE DAY, PETTIN A KITTY ON HER LAP.

"PEE-PAW. WHAT A PURRRR-FECT SURPRISE. WOULD YOU... LIKE TO PET MY PUSSY?"
SHE ASKED A BATTIN HER COME HITHER EYES.
"SHO-NUFF! AN HE WULDNT MIND GETTIN UP IN DAT COOTER, NEITHER!"

PEE-PAW LEEPS SKRAIT UP INNA AIR, AN RIGHT OUTA HIS TROUSERS, WHICH WAS A KEEPIN HIS TALLEYWHACKER FROM HUMPIN!
PEE-PAW LAID IN THA STROKES LIKE HE WAS PLAYIN MINI-ATURE GOLF WITA BACK O RETARDS!

PEE-PAW SMACKED IT UP, HIT IT, RUBBED IT DOWN!
OH-NO!
PEE-PAW DID IT EIGHT WAYS FROM BROADWAY!
HE DONE IT LIKE THE MISHUNARY, THA INVERSE HALF GAINER, PLAYED THA BUTT CHEEK BONGOS, GOT NO ONLY HIS DOG INNA BATHTUB, BUT THA WHOLE KIT AN KABOODLE, ALL OF THA KARMA SHOOTYA, AN HALF WAY INTA THA SONG O SOLOMON WHEN THA DOOR DONE BUST OPEN, AN ADAM WEST AN THAT LIL FRUIT BASKIT OFFA BOYFREN HE HAD WITTUM, ALL DRESSED IN THEY UNNERWERES.

"HOLY COCK BLOCK, BATMAN! PEE-PAW IS MOUNTING OUR CONQUEST!"
"I SEE HIM ROBIN. PEE-PAW, YOU DIABOLICAL..."

ROBIN STARTED SQUIRMIN, CLAWIN AT HIS PANT PARTS.
"BRUISING BLUE BALLS, BATMAN! BUT I AM BRUTALLY BACKED UP!"
"NO NEED FOR THE EXCESSIVE ALLITERATION, OLD CHUM. THE BAT POLE IS ACHING AS WELL."
"YOU PROMISED ME THAT NEWMAR WAS HOT FOR IT! AND TONIGHT WE WOULD GET THE 'EFFIEL TOWER'!"
"WORRY NOT, ROBIN. THE EFFIEL TOWER...WILL BE OURS."

PEE-PAW HAD ALL HE COULD STAN, HE COULD STAN NO MORE!
"UNLESS ONE-A YEW NANCY BOYS WANTA USE THEM FLAPPIN GUMS SET TA FLUFFIN, PEE-PAW IS GONNA HAFTA GIVES YOU THA BUSINESS FER RUININ SOME PERFECTLY GOOD WOOD!"

AN WIT DAT, THAT FISTESES WAS FLYIN!
CEPT PEE-PAW USED THA PEE-POLE FER REAL ROCK EM, SOCK EM ACSHUN!

BIFF!
SOCK!
KER-FLUFFLE!

"HOLY ASS-HAT BATMAN, WE HAVE BEEN BESTED!"
"NOT QUITE YET. PEE-PAW, HOW WOULD YOU LIKE A TALL, COOL CAN OF BAT BLUE RIBBON?"

PEE-PAWS MOUF WAS AN ARID DESERT O THIRST, ONLEE THREE HOURS OF HUMP CAN MAKE! PEE-PAW WAS TOO BUSY THRUSTIN AN SEXIN, EVEN HUMPIN TAH PILLOWS WHEN THA LADEE HADTA REST, SO HE HAD HIM A MIGHTY THIRST!

"MUST...NOT...GIVE...IN..."
"THAT'S IT PEE-PAW, STEP AWAY FROM THE POON-TANG..."

UNTIL PEE-PAW WAS SAVED BY THA FIESTY HANDS O MISS NEWMAR, WHO LET OUTA HISS, AN WENT TA WORKIN ON THA PEE-POLE LIKE A HOUSE O FAHRE!
STROKIN WIT LIGHTIN QWIKNESS, SHE POPPED OUTA CLAW AN STUCK IT RIGHT INAT PEE-PAWS RAISIN HOLE, SHOOTIN PEE-PAW'S BABY BATTER ALL OVIR THEM DO-GOODERS!
PROSTATE POWER!

"SUFFERING SEMEN, BATMAN! I CAN'T MOVE!"
"SAVE YOUR WORDS AND YOUR STRUGGLING, ROBIN. IT ONLY MAKES THE STENCH MORE...POWERFUL..."

MISS NEWMAR STRETCHED ONNA BED, NAKED AN SLICK WIT SWEAT, PURRIN LIKE A KITTEN.

"YOU HAVE ANYTHING LEFT, TIGER?"

PEE-PAW TOOK A LOOKIT THA SUN DIAL O THA PEE-POLE, AN NOTICED IT WAS STILL SET TO A QUARTER TO SCRUMP!

(38 comments | comment on this)

Thursday, January 15th, 2004
9:18 am - PEE-PAW AN THA ASS CRAB EXTRAVAGANZA
IT WERE THE LATE SEVENTIES, AN LIKE USHWAL, PEE-PAW WOKED UP IN A PAHLE O FILTH. SOME OF IT WAS EVEN HIS!

SEEMS THAT PEE-PAW CAMED DOWN WIT A BIT O THA PATREEAT BUG DURIN HIS LAST BENDER, AN UP AN JOINED THA NAVY!
THAT AN THA LARGIST CASE O THA CRABS THIS SIDE O RED LOBSTER.

"YOU DIRTY GNATS AN KNITS! PEE-PAW'S PUBIC HUTCH AINT NO FREE RIDE! PREPARES FER EX-TERMINASHUN!"

"SCREE SCREEEEE!"
SAYS THA BIGGEST UN.
ITS ANT-TEN-I A POKIN OUTA PEE-PAW'S RAISIN HOLE LIKE A PAIR O BURNT MATCHES STUCK BACK INNA BOX.

BUT PEE-PAW KNOWS THEYS FILTHY SECRIT.
DEM CRABS STARTID OUT AS YER NORMIL HEAD LICE, A BOUNCIN AN SUCKIN BLOOD ONNA WIGS O OUR FOREFATHIRS, WHEN THEY WAS JUST SMELLY APES!
CEPT THEY HAD FULL RUN O THA BODY, TYRANTIN AN HEGEMONIZIN UP A FRENZY!

TILL MAN MADE FAHRE, AN BURNTID OFF MOSTA HIS BODEE HAIR.
SKUNK APE, SASCROTCH, AN YER BOMINABLE SNOWBEAST SKOFFED AN SHUNNED DIS BURNED APE, AN DROVE IT FRUM THA SUGAR PLUM VILLIGE O PARADISE.
THEY WORE THEM BUGS AS A BADGE O HONIR, AN WERENT BOUT TO GET RIDS OF EM, NOHOW!

BUT THEM BUG CRITTIRS WASNT BOUT TO GIVE UP DA FIGHT, NO SIR-E-BOB!
THEY MADE THEM A PERRY-LESS JOURNEY DOWN A TRAIL O TEERS OF TIN-E HAIRS, AN MADE THERE NEST IN THA PUBIC BUSHES THERIN!

KNOWIN THEY WASNT BOUT TO SET FAHRE TO THERE HUMPIN KIT, THEY MADE THEY LIVIN. CEPT THEY ADAPTIMATED, AN CHANGED INTA SOMEPIN MORE FEIRCE! THEY LOOKED DOWN ON THEM NANCY BOY HEAD LICE, AN STARTID MORE VENTUROUS CONCHWEST!

THA BIGGIST O THA BUNCH WOULD THEN TAKE HIM THA TREK ALONG THA MOST DREDED PATH O ALL, THA BERING TAINT, FROM THA FERTILE AN WRINKLY HILLS O THA BALLSACK TO THA WINKIN VOID O THA PUCKERIN STINK HOLE!

THEY WUD STICK THEYS BOTTOM BITS INNA HERSHEY TOWN, THEN STICK THEY HEAD BITS OUT FER BREATHIN! SOMETIMES MORE'N ONE WUD GIT IN THERE.
IT WERE EXTRA BAD FER THA PRE-HISTRIONIC LADIES!

SUM CASES HAD ONE FER THA PINK, TWO FER THA STINK!

WHEN THEYD GET TOO BIG, THEY RANNED OFF AN SWAM UNNER WATIR AN BECAME THEM KERMIT CRABS. THEY LIKED IT BETTER, CAUSE THEY COULD MOVE ROUND BETTER, AN NO HAFTA FIGHT OFF THA BATTERIN RAM OF SHIT LOGS THAT WOULD COME A FLYIN!

PEOPLES USTA POO OUT THEY MOUTH BEFO THEM CRITTERS. IT CAME OUT WRAPPED IN CELLO-FANE, WIT A PURDY BOW ONNIT!
THA BODEE ONLY LERNED TO POO FRUM THA BACKSIDE TO FIGHT THEM ASS USURPIN ANAL SPELUNKERS!

BUT PEE-PAW AINT GOT THA HINT O MINT THEM WIMPY EERLY FELLERS HAF, SO HE AINT AFRAID TO NAPALM THA HAIL OUTA THA BATHIN SUIT AREAS!

PEE-PAW GETS HIM THA FINEST KER-VOS-E-A AN WHITE LIGHTNIN, PUTS EM IN A BUCKIT, AN DIPS HIS NEKKID SELF DOWN!
THINGS START A BURNIN AN A CRACKIN!

DAG!
BURNS LAHKE HELL FAHRE!
LIKE GOD ALRIGHTY IS A SMITIN AN SETTIN SCURGE TO SPHINCT AN SCROTIM!

BUT OUT FLOTE THEM VARMITS, ONE BY ONE, LIKE RAISINETTES FLOATIN ON A PILE O VOMIT, LEEVIN PEE-PAW'S PRIVATES JUST THAT!

BUT PEE-PAW LERNDED HIS LESSIN.
NO MATTIR HOW FINE IT FEEL ON THA FANNY, SHAG CARPET ONNA TERLET SEAT JUST GOSTA GO!

(40 comments | comment on this)

Sunday, January 4th, 2004
4:06 pm - PEE_PAW VS THE PURVEYORS OF PERNICIOUS POON
IFF'N THERE BE ONE THING THAT PEE-PAW HATES, AN THERE BE MANY, IS GETTIN HIS HAIR CUT!

PEE-PAW PUTS ON HIS BEST PIN STRIPE SUIT, AN EVEN GOES THAT EXTRA MAHLE IN WARSHIN AN SPLASHIN ON THA OLD SPICE, IN CASE HE GETS HIM ONE OF THEM PURTY FILLIES!

THA KIND WIT THEM LOW CUT SHIRTS WITH A LONG LINE O' LUSCIOUS LOVE BUMPS JUST A BURSTIN TA GETS OUT!
PEE-PAW LEANS ALL FORWIRD, PRETENDIN HE GOTS THE NECK ANAMOLIES OR A CASE OF THE VIOLENT TWITTERS, SO THEYS GOSTA LEAN A BIT FORWIRD, AN PULL BACK PEE-PAW'S HEAD TILL THEY IS RIGHT UP AGAINST THEM THROBBIN MOMMY BAGS!

YOW!
HOT ACK-SHUN!

PEE-PAW THEN GETS HISSELF ALL HOT N BOTHIRED BY USING HIS 'MAGINATION, THINKIN HE A SWARTHY PIE-RATE, SPLISHIN AN SPLASHIN THA SEVEN SEAS!
HE GOTS HIM A COCK-A-TOO INSTEDS OF A PARROT, ONE CAUSE O THERE POWIRFUL BILITIES TA REIGN IN THA BACKSIDE SPLATTERS, AN CAUSE THEY GOT THAT DOO-WICKY THAT STANDS UP WHEN THEYS MAD!
LOOKIT IT GO!
HAW!

"HEY, POLLY, HOW YOU LIKE A TOOTHPICK UP THE FANNY!"
SAYS PEE-PAW AND WHOOOP, UP GOES THE DOO-DAD!
PEE-PAW TURNS HIS SHIP INTO A HOPPIN LAFF FACTURY!

THENS ITS TIME FER THA PIRATE'S BOOTY.
TIRED OF THA WRINKLED ROUNDEYE OF THE SCURVY INFECTED SPHINCTERS OF HIS SHIPMATES HE SETS HIS EYES ON A WILE MER-MADE LADY A SPLISHIN IN THE SEAS!
PEE-PAW HAS HISSELF A WEEKNESS FER THA LADIES OF THE FISHY PERSAWAYSHEON!

CEPT WHEN HE PULLS IT ABORD AN FINDS THERE AINT NO LOVE HOLE TO BE STICKIN! JUST FOOT AFTIR FOOT O COCK BLOCKIN SCALES!

PEE-PAW THEN BURSTS OUT OF HIS FANTASY, PANTS A BURSTIN FOR HUMP, TO FINDS HISSELF COVERED IN A SHEET, WITH SOME OLE LADY A FUSSIN AN MUSSIN UP HIS HAIR AREAS!

"GETS OFFA THAR, YOU SLAG, PEE-PAW JUST APPLIED THE POMADE!"

THEY SPECTS PEE-PAW TO PAY, BUT PEE-PAW JUST A-HUMPS AN A-BUMPS HIS STICKY SWEET MOOSE KNUCKLE PUSHIN UP FROM HIS DUNG-A-REES ATTIM AN THEY FALL BACK LIKE A HOUSE O CARDS ON FAHRE!

THEYS ALWAYS BE CUTTIN THA WRONG HAIR, ANYWAYS.

(18 comments | comment on this)

Sunday, October 19th, 2003
7:22 pm - ORANGE ROUGHY: DELICACY OF THE DEEP
HALLO!

MY NAME IS ORANGE ROUGHY!!

I HAFF COME TO FUCK YORE DAWTAH!!!

(7 comments | comment on this)

Monday, October 6th, 2003
1:22 pm - R. KELLY FLOWERS BRING GOLDEN SHOWERS
PEE-PAW IS ALWAYS KNOWED FER HIS RESPECTS OF THA WEMINS!
EVEN WHEN HE IS PAYIN EM TO DRESS UP LIKE HOBOS AN RASSLE IN SIMILAC WHILE PEE-PAW THROWS FIRECRACKERS AN PORK PRODUCTS ATTIM, THEY KNOWS THAT PEE-PAW'S HEART IS GOOD!
OR LEAST HIS CREDIT IS.

AN PEE-PAW DON'T HOLD THA FACT THAT THEYS GOT COOTCHIE MAMAS AN TWO HOLES DOWN SOUTH WHAR PEE-PAW ONLY HAS ONE AN USE THA SAME HOLE FER THA PEEIN KNOWIN THAT PEE-PAW USES THAT HOLE TO GET UP IN THEM GUTS ALL ROMANTICAL LIKE AGAINST EM!

PEE-PAW DON'T EVEN MIND THAT THEY BLEED FER UP TA THREE DAYS A MONTH LIKE A GUT SHOT DEER! PEE-PAW KNOWS THAT MENSTRATION IS JUST NATURE'S LIQUID RED CARPET SLISHIN AN SLOSHIN PEE-PAW TO RUN UP IN!
MOTHER NATURE HAS MORE RUG BURNS THAN JESSICA HAHN AT A TEE-VEE EVANGALIST CONVENTION!

BUT SOME FOLKS JUS TAKE THINGS TOO FAR!
LIKE THAT R. KELLY CHARACTER!

PEE-PAW METS HIM REACHIN FER THA SAME ISSUE O 'BARELY LEGAL BARNYARD FOLIES', UNTILS HE SEES THEM WOMENS IS OVER THA AGE O SEVENTEEN.
"HEY? YOU PEE-PAW?"
"THEM CORN FRITTERS WERE IN PEE-PAWS TRUCK WHEN HE GOT THERE! AINT NO SHAME IN SUNSHINE!"
"YEAH, YOU PEE-PAW. YOU FOLLOW ME, AN I WILL SET YOU UP WIT SOME HOT TAIL AN COOL PABST BLUE, AIGHT?"

SO BEIN THA SOSHABLE FELLER PEE-PAW IS, PEE-PAW JET SETS OFF TA SOME PARTMENT ROUND THA CORNER.

"YOU AINT CAMERA SHY, IS YOU PEE-PAW? CAUSE I JUST WANTS TA SET UP THIS HERE CAMERA TO CATCH ALL THE ACTION."
"PEE-YEW! THIS RAT HOLE SMELLS OF BLADDER JUICE!"
"YOU AINT SEED THE BEST OF IT, PEE-PAW. I THOUGHT IF ANYONE COULD UNDERSTAND ME, IT WAS YOU, PEE-PAW. ONLY OSAMA BIN LADEN CAN UNDERSTAND WHAT I HAVE GONE THROUGH IN THE LAST FEW MONTHS."
"THAT CAMEL RIDIN COCK GOBLER? SOMEONE MUST DONE WHACKED YOU TWEEN THA CORNROWS WIT THA STUPID STICK, YOU IDGIT!!!"

PEE-PAW KEPT TIRADIN, BUT THAT R. KELLY FELLER WAS ALL DISTRACTED BY SOME YOUNG LADIES IN THA CORNER.

"THIS HERE IS LACRESHA. SHE IS THIRTEEN YEAR OLE, IF SHE IS A DAY. I GOT HER FOR A BUCK FIDDY FROM BEHIND THA HARDY'S ROUN THA CORNER. NOW, PEE-PAW, YOU TAKE OUT YOUR THANG AND GIVE HER A LITTLE TINKLE. I WOULD START, BUT I HAVE TO WAIT UNTIL THIS GATORADE KICKS IN."
"WHAT THA HAIL?"
"YOU KNOW. TAKE A LITTLE WEE-WEE ON THIS HERE SKEEZE. IF YOU WANNA DROP A BOO-BOO CAKE ON HER TOO, THATS AIGHT..."

BEFORE HE COULD FINISH HIS DIRTY TALE THA DOOR BURSTS OPEN, AN WHEN THA DUST CLEARS, THEY IS BURT REYNOLDS, JERRY REED, AN THAT 'RE-RUN' FELLER FROM THA TEE-VEE ALL STANDIN BOUT, WIT DEY DRAWERS TOUCHIN THA FLOOR.

"SORRY TO INTERUPT, BUT THERE HAVE BEEN A CHANGE OF PLANS FOR THIS AFTERNOON'S PICTURE SHOW."
BURT REYNOLDS SAID WIT A SMILE. HE WAS STYLIN IN SUCH A FASHION PEE-PAW DIDNT HAVE THA HEART TO TELLS HIM THEY WAS A BOOGER IN HIS MOOSTACHE.
"YESSIR. SHE MAY GET THA GOLDMINE, BUT YOU IS GETTIN THA SHAFT." THAT JERRY REED FELLER PIPES IN ALL THREATNIN LIKE.

THEY PUSH THAT KELLY FELLER DOWN, WHEN RE-RUN STEPS OVER HIM AN PULLS OUT HIS PECKER MEAT.
"YOU EVER HEARD OF 'BUKKAKE', MISTER KELLY?"
BURT ASKS, PULLIN OUT TWO FISTES OF SOUTH FLORIDA WATER SNAKE.
"BECAUSE I HAVE TO TELL YOU, OUR FRIEND 'RE-RUN' HERE WASN'T GIVEN THAT NAME FOR BEING ABLE TO ONLY SQUEEZE ONE ROUND OUT AT A TIME, IF YOU CATCH MY DRIFT. THE MAN HAS ENOUGH MAYONAISE TO PUT HELLMAN'S OUT OF BUSINESS THREE TIMES OVER..."

AN WIT THAT, THA TRIUMVERATE OF TALLYWHACKERS GOT TA DOIN THEY DIRTY BIDNISS UPON THAT DIRTY OLE CHILD MOLESTIN, KID PISSIN SICKO.

THAT'S WHAT PEE-PAW CALLS AN OLE FASHUNED CUM-UPPANCE!!!

(19 comments | comment on this)

Monday, September 29th, 2003
8:51 am - RETURN OF THE SON OF THE LEGEND OF BOGGY CREEK
THE OTHER MORNIN PEE-PAW WOKE UP AN FOUNDS HISSELF IN THE WOMEN'S LEISURE SECTION OF THE LOCAL WAL-MART. THAT'S BEEN HAPPENIN A LIL' TOO REGULAR FOR PEE-PAW'S LIKIN.
CEPT FER THA FACT PEE-PAW IS IN PERFECT PEEPIN POSITION TO SNEAK HIM A PEEK AT SOME SNATCH, HOT OFF THA GRIDLE!

WOMEN'S WALK ROUND WIT DERE CAM-O-FLAGIED SKIRTS SPORTIN A SAUCY DISREGARD FOR PANTIES AN UNDERGEAR! PEE-PAW IS SPESHULLY LUCKY WHEN THEY IS ON THERE PERIOD! CRIMSON TIDE COME EARLY FOR PEE-PAW!
PEE-PAW SEES THAT LIL STRING A DANGLIN, AND KNOWS IF HE PULLS ONNIT, PEE-PAW WILL GETS HIM A SWEET SURPRISE!

JUST LIKE THA CARNIVAL, CEPT WITHOUT THA SMELL O' PEE-PEE!
DIRTY FREAKS!

PEE-PAW WAS OGLIN HIM A RIPE PEECE OF WIGGILDY WOBBILDY SITTIN SACKS HOPPIN AN A BOUNCIN UP ATOP OF THESE VARICOSED VEINED STALKS LIKE SOME SWEET TREE FRUIT A BEGGIN FER SOME PINCHIN, WHEN PEE-PAW NOTICES WHAT SHE IS CARRYIN:
ONE OF THEM DVDS OF 'THE LEGEND OF BOGGY CREEK'!!!

PEE-PAW AINT THAWT BOUT THAT SCENE IN A COON'S AGE. COONS USUAL LIVE BOUT THREE TO FOUR YEARS. ABOUT THAT TIME PEE-PAW GOES TO STOMPIN ONNUM FER GETTIN IN HIS GARBAGE CANS!

ANYWHO, IN THA SEVENNIES PEE-PAW WAS A TIGHT TROUSERED ONE MAN GANG BANG. PEE-PAW WENT TO THEM DISCOS AN RIPPED THROUGH HIS TROUSERS EVER TAHME SOME YOUNG FILLY DID THA BUMP. PEE-PAW PERSONALLY STARTED THE 'LECTRIC SLIDE' WHEN HE DONE HUMPED FIVE WOMENS END TO END ON THA OLE PEE-POLE!
PEE-PAW PREFERED CALLIN IT THA "SQUISH-KA-BOB" BUT CHOSERS CANT A BEGGAR BE.

PEE-PAW WAS GETTIN SO MUCH CITY POON HE WAS GETTIN THA COCAINES AN BROKEN GLASS IN HIS PUBIC HAIRS. HE NEEDED TO SEE HIM SOME OF THAT UNTAMED COUNTRY COOZE. THA KIND WIT CRABS THA SIZE OF SILVER DOLLARS!
ONLY SO MANY TIMES PEE-PAW COULD LET SKANKS SNIFF LINES OFFA THA PEE-POLE FORE IT STARTIN TO GET RIGHT TENDER.

SO PEE-PAW LOOKS ONNA MAP AN SEES HISSELF THA PLACE:
"FUCK, ARKANSAS."

BUT IT SEEMS THAT THERE WAS ONE OF THEM UNTRUTHS IN ADVERTSMENT, CAUSE WHEN PEE-PAW GETS THERE THERE AINT NOTHIN TO STICK HIS DICK IN THAT AINT GOT ONE LOUSY TOOF RUININ A FINE PAIR O GUMS.

"SAY, CITY FELLER."
SOME TOOTHLESS OLE CRACKER SAYS TO PEE-PAW.
"SAVE YER SLOBBER, POPS. PEE-PAW BEEN SUCKED DRY BY AN ORNERY OLE BIDDY BY THA NAME OF SLOPPY SHIRLY!"
"NAW, THAR. AH WUZ JUST GONNA ASK YA IFFN YOU SEEN THE 'FOUKE MONSTER'"
"PEE-PAW AINT BEEN CALLED THE 'FUCK MONSTER' SINCE AUGHT-SIX!"
"NAW, THAT HAIRY BRUTE THAT DONE RUN UP AN PEEK IN YOUNG WEMMENS WINDERS AN ATTACKS FELLERS WHEN THEYS SITTIN ON THA TERLET!"

NOW PEE-PAW HAD IT. SEEMS THAT HAIRY FELLER DONE BEEN USIN UP ALL THA FRESH POON, AN LEAVIN THA LADIES AS DRY AS A RAISINETTE ON A HOT PLATE! DIRTY BRUTE ALSO STOLE PEE-PAW'S CRAB SHAMPOO OUT THA WINDER WHENS PEE-PAW WAS PICKIN KNITS!
THEMS CRITTERS WAS GETTIN AWFUL ITCHY!

SO PEE-PAW SET HIM UP A PLAN. PEE-PAW SOAKED HIM SOME LADIES UNDIES IN SUNKIST TUNA FISH AN HUNG EM FROM THA NEARIST TREE. THAT SKUNK APE SMELLS IT, RUNS UP, THINKIN THERE WAS A DANGLIN PEECE OF FISH BISCUIT JUST UP ABOVE, AN STARTS A SPANKIN HIS FUZZY POLE LIKE HE WAS STARTIN A FAHRE! SEEIN AS THEY WAS NO CEPTICLE FER HIS STICKY SEED, IT CAME A SPURTIN OUT ALL OVIR HIS FURRY MITS, AN CREATIN HIM A PAIR OF OLE FASHIONED 'SPUNK SHACKLES', AFIXIN HIS MOLESTIN MITS TO HIS WHOOLY GUT!

PEE-PAW THEN GRABS HIM AN STICKS HIM IN A HEFTY HEFTY CINCH SACK AN SENT HIM IN A TAXI TO NEW YORK CITY!
TOLE THA WHOLE STORY TO SOME FELLER MAKIN HIM A MOVIN PITTURE BOUT IT, TOO. BUT THAT IDGIT SPENTS HIS MOVIE TIME SHOWIN A FELLER INNA MONKEY SUIT SODDOMIZIN A T-SHIRTED YOKEL!

PEE-PAW HAD TA WAITS HIS TURN FER THA BIG SCREEN IN THA A-DULT CLASSIC "GLORY, GLORY HOLE-ALLULAH!"
STICKY IS THA PRICE OF FAME!

(29 comments | comment on this)

Tuesday, July 29th, 2003
3:27 pm - PEE-PAW VS. THE SOILED SEEDS OF BAGHDAD
PEE-PAW WAS RIDIN HIGH IN THE SALTY SEAS OF TANG, SWAPPIN SPIT WITH JUMPIN JULIE NEWMAR, CLAD LIKE A CAT ON A HOT TIN ROOF!

"RRRROWWWL, PEEEE-PAWWWW. ONLY YOU CAN SCRATCH MY ITCH SO PURRRR-FECTLY!!!"
YOW! THIS KITTEN'S GOT CLAWS!
PEE-PAW THOUGHT AS HE WENT DIVIN FOR POON LIKE A MOISTURE SEEKIN SCUD MISSILE, BUT STEAD O' THA TUNA LACED SMEAR O HEAVEN, PEE-PAW AWOKED WITH A MOUF FULLA IRAQ!

DANG! THATS THE LAST TIME PEE-PAW DRINKS PABST BLUE RIBBON AN HUFFS MOTOR PASTE INNA SAND BOX!

PEE-PAW DECIDED TO MAKE HIM THA BEST OFFIT AN STARTED LOOKIN FER A CAMEL. TWO HUMPS IS BETTERN' ONE, PEE-PAW'S PAW ALWAYS SEZ.

PEE-PAW FINALLY FOUND HISSELF A TENT LEAN-TO, UNTILS HE HEARS SOME SPEAKIN BEIN SAID INSIDE.

"YES, SOON, MY NEFARIOUS BROTHER QUSAY, OUR PLANS REACH COMPLETION."
"HA. HA HA. INDEED, MY NEAR CRIPPLED, AND SADISTIC FELLOW SON OF SADDAM. BY THE BEARD OF ALLAH, OUR "CAMELTOSIS 2000" MISSLE SHALL WRECK HAVOK AGAINST THE GREAT SATAN!"

THIS GOT PEE-PAW'S BLOOD A BERLIN!
PEE-PAW AINT NO FLAG WAVIN JINGO-IST NEITHER! HE AINT GOT NUTHIN GAINST NO SAND PEOPLES, AN HE DON'T GIVE A FLYIN SHIT SAMMICH BOUT UNCLE SAM!
UNCLE SAM A BORRIED PEE-PAW FAVORITE UNDERSHORTS, THA ONES WIT THA MONKEYS ON EM, AN LEFT THEREIN A SHIT-STAIN THE SIZE OF TEXAS!
WASH YOSELF, SHIT STICK!

NOPE! PEE-PAW SALUTES ONLY THE WAVIN FLAG OF LADY LABIA!!!
AN HE AINT A GONNA LET THEM EVIL CAMEL JOCKIES INTENDED TO SHOOT THEM A SNATCH SOURIN PAYLOAD OF CROTCH-ROT RIGHT INTO THE VERIT-ABLE LAND O THE SWEETIST POON PEE-PAW LAID EYES, EARS AN THROAT ON!!!

PEE-PAW DIDN'T SPEND THA BIG WORL WARS ONE, TWO, AN TWO ANNA HALF DIGGIN THRU YARD AFTER YARD OF DENIM WRAPPED MEAT TRENCH ONLY TO HAVE THESE HERE GOONS A-FOUL THA RESULT OF PEE-PAW'S PERSONAL WAR ON THE PANTY!


"SADDAM BE PRAISED, UDAY!!! SOON THE AMERICANS SHALL SLOWLY WITHER AND DIE, UNABLE TO IMPLANT THEIR DIRTY SEED INTO THE SQUISHY CRADLE OF LOVE!!!"

"NUTS TO YOU!"
SAYS PEE-PAW.
"THEYS IS GONNA ONLY BE TWO HITS! PEE-PAW HITTIN YOUSE BOYS UPSIDE THE HEAD, AN... WELL, PEE-PAW WILL FIGGIRE THAT PART OUT AS HE GOES ALONG!"

WITH THAT THE BOYS TONGUES WENT A FLAPPIN GOIN 'A-LALALALALLAAAA' AN THEY FLUNG THEMSELVES UPON PEE-PAW. LUCKILY PEE-PAW ALWAYS CARRIES HIM A RATION TIN O WOOP ASS FER JUST SUCH OCCA-SHONS.

PEE-PAW WILL SAVE YE OF WEAK STOMACHS AN NANCY BOY SENSIBILITIES OF THA SMASHIN, BASHIN, THUGGIN AN BUGGIN THAT A TRASPIRED.

NEEDLESS TO SAY PEE-PAW LASHED THEM BOYS UP TO THA UGLY TREE AN DROPPED EM ON EVERY BRANCH ONNA WAY DOWN.

PEE-PAW THEN TOOK HISSELF A COUPLE OF DEM POLAR OIDS OF HIS HANDIWORK, AN SENT IT TO THA GOV-MENT.

"TAKE A LOOKIT WHAT PEE-PAW DONE, YOU PRETZEL CHOKIN DADDY'S BOY! PEE-PAW TOOK CARE OF YO BIDNISS QUICKER'N CLINTON ON AN INTERN! NEXT UP IS THAT SAD-HAM! BUTCHER OF BAGHDAD, MY AUNT FANNY! HE SOLE PEE-PAW SOME PIG FLESH SO FOUL IT COULD CHOKE A MAGGOT!"

AN WHUT THEY DO?
TAKE CREDDIT FER IT.

PEE-PAW AINT BEEN THIS PISSED SINCE HE WAS A-TAKIN OFF THE NICKEL FOR GOOSIN SUSAN B. ANTHONY!
PEE-PAW AINT SORRY, NEITHER!

A SAUCY TART COMES A-TEASIN,
PEE-PAW COMES A-PLEASIN!

(53 comments | comment on this)

Tuesday, February 4th, 2003
10:31 am - TWO FISTED TALES OF MEAT AND MURDER
"Listen! If you just help me move this body, you can have all the beef jerky and pickled eggs you want!"

PEE-PAW HAD HEARD THIS PROMISE BEFORE, SO YOU CAN SEES WHY HE WAS WARY.
"NO DICE, FANCY PANTS! PEE-PAW AINT DOIN NOTHIN TILL THIS JERKY DIGESTS AN HE CAN GET HIS MITT OUTA THIS PICKLE JAR!"
THAT'S WHAT IS WRONG WITH AMERICA! PORK AINT BEEN PICKLED TO PERFECTION SINCE THE SECOND WORLD WAR! PEE-PAW BLAMES THE HUN AN THE 'ELBOW GREASE' SCARE OF 1978!

"Pee-paw please! The authorities will be here any second! You have no idea how the sound of gunshots reverberates in the Los Angeles hills!"
"PEE-PAW DON'T CARE NONE 'BOUT THAT, SPECTOR! PEE-PAW JUST WANTS YOU TO GET THEM RAMONES OFFA HIS COUCH! SIDES, PEE-PAW HOLDS OFF HIS CORPSE HANDLIN FER TUESDAYS!"
"It IS tuesday!"

DAMNATION! PEE-PAW IS A SLAVE TO THE FICKLE FEET OF FATE!
"You get the ankles, I'll get the wrists."
"HOT SHIT ON THE GRIDDLE! YOU DONE SHOT UP MRS. VARGAS!"

PEE-PAW ALWAYS KNEWED THERE WERE FAST TIMES AT RIDGEMONT HIGH, BUT NOT LIKE THIS!

"You are damn straight I did! Everyone just sees the childlike features and neat clothes, but you don't get this far in the record business by being a pushover! Now everyone will know for sure how I got strings on The Ramones 'End of the Century'..."
"YOU GET THEM FREE-LOAFIN LONG HAIRS OFFA PEE-PAW'S COUCH! PEE-PAW CAMES HERE TO GET THEIR HANDLER TO UN-AFFIX EM FROM PEE-PAW'S SITTIN AREA! THEY IS RANK AN FULL OF STINK AN MAKE IT AWFUL HARD TO WOO THE LADIES WITH A HOUSE FULL OF SMELL!"
"For the last time, you geriatric clod, I am not their handler! And they are DEAD already! Now pick up her legs and help me, dammit! For the love of GOD, managing those four Ronette women was far easier than dealing with you..."
"THEY WAS ONLY THREE RONETTES!"
"There were after I got done with them. Nobody muscles Phil 'The Hammer' Spector!!! Speaking of which, here, you take this gun."
"HOT DAMN! PEE-PAW AINT HAD THA CHANCE TO SLING HOT LEAD SINCE THE FALL OF LYNDON LAROUCHE!"

PEE-PAW EYED THAT PEA SHOOTER, MAKIN THE LIGHT GO 'BLINK BLINK' ON STAINLESS STEEL ON THOUGHT OF HOME AN MISSOURI AN THE UNQUENCHABLE STING OF PROCESSED CHEESE...

"Okay, Pee-paw. We will hide her behind here. Nobody will ever look for us behind the 'WALL OF SOUND'."
THE PICKLED PIG JUICE MUSTA BEEN TOO STRONG FOR HIM, CAUSE SPECTOR STARTED TO GET ALL MISTER MISTY EYED. JUST LIKE THA DAIRY QUEEN DRINK WHICH BARES ITS NAME.

"Oh, Lana. If you had only let me produce the soundtrack to 'AMAZON WOMEN ON THE MOON II, THE THONG WAY HOME' this would have never happened..."

PEE-PAW TOOK THAT MOMENT TA BREAK THA WIND, WHICH USUALLY SOUNDS LIKE SOMEONE PULLIN DENTAL FLOSS OUTA A RUSTY ZIPPER. SMELLS LIKE BAKIN SODER AN MINCEMEAT PIE AN SOOTHES THA SOUL.

SPEAKIN O WHICH, ALL THAT HONEY DRIPPIN GOT PEE-PAW IN THE MOOD FOR THE STICKY SWEETNESS OF JERKIED MEET, SO PEE-PAW WENT BACK TO FIDDLIN WITH THAT SLIM JIM THAT WONT OPEN RIGHT!
SNAP INTO IT, INDEED!

THEN OUTA THA BLUE 'YOU LOST THAT LOVIN FEELIN' CAME ON THA STEREO, AN SPECTOR WAS NOWHERE TO BE FOUND.

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Monday, January 20th, 2003
12:45 pm - PEE-PAW VERSUS THE FICKLENESS OF MINCED MEATS
FIRE IN THE HOLE!
PEE-PAW SAT DOWN IN A SPLAT FILLED PILE OF DIRTY DIAPER FASTER THAN YOU CAN SAY 'MILTON BRADLEY'!
ALL LEAKIN, AN SEEPIN, AN RAW CABBAGE SMELLIN, FUNK OF ALL FUNKS!

IT ALL STARTED A FEW DAYS AGO WHEN PEE-PAW MADE HIS WAY TO THE ALL NIGHT GROCERY, DE-PARTMENT, AN GRUBERY COMPOUND, "SLIPPERY PETE'S".

THEYS CALL IT THAT ON ACCOUNTA A FELLER NAMED RUFUS R. WRINKLE, SOME BOW LEGGED GOON WITH CAULIFLOWER EARS AN A TASTE FER BEAN.
PETE THERE USETA BE BONIFAHDE, WITH PROSPECT UP THE YING YANG, AN MORE PRETTY YOUNG THINGS WRAPPED 'ROUND HIS PEKKIR THAN PUBIC HAIRS ON AN APE.
'TILL PETE, WHO THEN STILL WAS CALLED RUFUS, STUCKS ALL HIS MONIES INTO A WATER PARK. IT WERE YER STANDARD WATER PARK TILL RUFUS THERE HAS HIM A MOMENT O CLARITY AFTER SWALLERIN HIM A WHOLE TIDE-E-BOWL SAUCER ON A DARE.

RUFUS THEN CHANGES THA PARK ROUND, PUTS HIM UP SOME BIG OLE STY-RO-FOAM LEGS A-STICKIN UP, WITH THA EXIT POINT COMIN OUTA WHAT LOOKS LIKE A LARGE GAPIN COOTER, FALLIN INTO A TIDE POOL LOOKIN LIKE A TERLET BOWL.
RUFUS THEN PUTS UP HIM A BIG OLE NEON SIGNS THAT SEZ:
"COME SEE THE WICKED WINK OF THE EVER LOVIN, SOUTH OF THE BORDER CYCLOPS, THE ONE, THE ONLY URETHRA FRANKLIN!!!

FER SOME REASON RUFUS WENT BANKRUPT, FAKED HIS DEATH, AN CALLS HISSELF "PETE" AN OPENED HIM UP THA FOULEST GEN'RAL STORE IN THREE STATES.
BUT AS OLE PETE TELLS PEE-PAW,
"PEE-PAW! YER MONEY AINT GOOD HERE!"
PROLLY ON ACOUNTA PEE-PAW'S MONEY HAVIN DONKEYS AN GOATS ON EM AN SUCH.
SO PEE-PAW TAKES WHAT HE PLEASE.

WHICH OF COURSE IS A HEAPIN HELPIN OF "DANCIN PETE'S SIDEWIDIN SAUSAGES". A HEAPIN HALF FOOT O THA SPICIEST PORK YOU NEVER DONE ET! NOW, PEE-PAW NORMAL AINT BIG ON SWINE, WHAT WITH IT BEIN PINK AN DIRTY AN SQUEALIN AN SUCH, BUT FER PETE PEE-PAW CAN MAKES HIM AN EXEPSHUN!

BEST PART IS THAT THEYS KEEP THEM SAUSAGES IN THAT BIG OLE TERLET BOWL THAT USETA BE PARTA THA RIDE! ITS THA RAIN WATER AN THEM ESCAPED CHIMP-ANZEES THAT USETA BE PART OF THEM MONKEY MAN MOVIES OF THA THIRTIES THAT DO THEIR DIRTY BIDNESS IN IT THAT GIVES IT THA FLAVORS! NOTHIN LIKE A BUNCHA HUMPIN TREE MONKEY SPLISHIN AN SPLASHIN TA GIVE YER MEAT THAT EXTRA ZING!

AFTER A FEW BITES, PEE-PAW DIDN'T FEEL SO KEEN. WHEN PEE-PAW GOT HOME, HIS GUTS AN INNARDS STARTED ZIPPIN AN SLOSHIN, LIKE A YOUNGIN SLIDIN DOWN PETE'S WATER RIDES, AS PEE-PAW'S POO-POO PARTS OPENED UP LIKE A BLINKIN EYE, AN BEFORE YOU CAN SAY 'FLAPJACK" PEE-PAW IS STANDIN IN A PILE OF MAN GRAVY!

PEE-PAW WAS DE-HYDRATED!
PEE-PAW FELT HIS LIFE AN GOOD FORTUNE A SEAPIN OUT THA SEAT OF HIS PANTS!
THEN THINGS GOT ALL SWIRLY AN STRANGE.
WALL SOCKETS STARTED SINGIN AS LIGHTBULBS BOBBED AN SWANG.
JUDY GARLAND WAS SIPPIN SLOW MINT FIZZIES WITH A THREE TOED SLOTH BY THE NAME OF BORIS PRIDE!

PEE-PAW SURVIVED BY EATIN CARPET AN TOENAIL POLISH!
WHICH SEEMS TO HAVE A CALMIN EFFECT ON THE IN-TRAILS!

PEE-PAW PROMPTY PICKED UP THA PHONE AN CALLED POISON CONTROL, BUT GOT SIDETRACKED ON SOME DEBATE ON THE TREACHERY OF DAY GLO SUSPENDERS AN WHAT THE CURE FOR FAT CHILDREN WAS!

PEE-PAW HAS HAD IT!
NO MORE PIE FOR PORKY!

(10 comments | comment on this)

Tuesday, December 10th, 2002
12:11 pm - TODDLER TURKEYNECK AN THE LUMBERTON BLUE BALL HALL OF SHAME
PEE-PAW HAS ALWAYS BEEN A THANKFUL SUMBITCH!
EVEN WHEN THA WORLD IS AGAINST EM, AN THE GOVMENT IS TRYING TO ROB HIM AN THEM ALIEN FELLERS KEEP A ZAP-ZAP-ZAPPIN THEYS BRIGHT PINK MIND READIN RAY RIGHT AT PEE-PAW'S NOGGIN EVEN THROUGH HIS PRO-TECTIVE TIN FERL HAT!

DRIVES PEE-PAW INTA FITS AN RUNNIN SHITS O'RAGE!
"YEW DIRTY ANAL PROBIN, SMOOTH FACED FAGGITS! IF YEW IS GONNA SHOOT PEE-PAW WITH SOMETHIN A LOT LESS FRUITY AND FEY! WHAT'S WRONG WITH SOME MANLY BLUE???!!!"

PEE-PAW WAS HOLLERIN THAT OUT THA WINDER ONE NIGHT, WHEN HE METS HISSELF A FINE FELLER LURKIN ABOUT OUTSIDE. PEE-PAW LIKED HIM AT FIRST ON ACCOUNT OF HIM HUFFIN AWAY ON SOME GAS MASK KINDA THING, HUFFIN AN A-PUFFIN, HOLLERIN HOLY HELL TO THE EVER-HUMPIN GODS OF FUCK!

PEE-PAW HOLLERED AT THA FELLER WHAT HE BEEN DRINKIN.
"YEW AINT SLOSHED ON THAT HEINIE-KIN, IS YA?"
PEE-PAW EYED EM FOR A GREEN BOTTLE DRINKIN FAIRY TYPE.

"FUCK NO!!! PABST...BLUE...RIBBON!!!"
THATS ALL PEE-PAW NEEDED TA HEARS.

TURNS OUT THA FELLER'S NAME IS FRANK BOOTH.
"FRANK FUCKIN BOOTH, MUTHERFUCKERS!" HE SAYS.
MUST BE POLISH.

IT BEIN ALL THANKSGIVIN TIME, FRANK HAD HIM SOME PEEPLES OVER FER FEASTIN! PEE-PAW PUSHED THEM FREE-LOADIN RAMONES OFFA THA SITTIN COUCH, AS THA COMPANY ARRIVES.
FIRST IS SOME GOOFY TALKIN FELLER WITH HAIR AS HIGH AS YER ELBOW TO THA CEILIN. EVER-THANG WAS 'GOSH' THIS AN 'GOLLY' THAT.
NAME O LYNCH OR SUMPIN. PEE-PAW WUDDA KNOWN FER SHORE CEPT EVERTHANG WENT DARK FOR A SECOND AND PEE-PAW FELL ONNA LAMP AN IT WENT DARK FER A SECOND.
"NOW ITS DARK" SAID FRANK.
"PEACHY KEEN" SAID THE HIGH HAIRED FELLER.

NEXT IN WAS SOME FOXY LOOKIN YOUNG LADY BY THA NAME OF I-IS-A-BELLA ROSE-A-LEE-NI OR SOME SUCH. PEE-PAW SAW SHE WAS LOOKIN AS FINE AS A STACK O DIMES AN WUZ ABOUT TO MAKE HIS MOVE, FORE OLE BOOTH DECIDES TO START COCK BLOCKIN.

FRANK SEES HER, AN STARTS A HUFFIN-AN A PUFFIN ON HIS FACE MASK THINGEE, YANKS OUT A STRIP OF BLUE VELVET, AN GOES BUGHOUSE LOONY.
"MOMMY...MOMMY!!! BABY WANTS TO FUUUUUCK!!!
AN LEAPS AT HER WITH HIS DIRTY RAG!
FILTHY!

WHILE PEE-PAW WAS A STEWIN IN HIS MORAL OUTRAGE, ABOUT TO REPRIMAND THAT BOOTH FOR HIS LACK O PLAY AN SMOOTH-TALKERY, THAT LYNCH FELLER COMES OUTA THA KITCHEN WIT THA PURTIEST THANG PEE-PAW EVER DONE LAID HIS EYES UPON. RADIANT LIGHT OF PURE BEEUTY CAME A-SLICIN THROUGH PEE-PAW'S CATARACTS LIKE A TINY CHICKADEE BURSTIN THROUGH ITS SHELL ON EASTER MORNIN. NOT SINCE SWEET-TOOTH A TAP DANCIN ON CANDIED YAMS HAD PEE-PAW SEEN A SIGHT SO WORTH A SEEIN!

LAYIN THERE, ALL GLISTENIN AN GLEAMIN ALL LATHERED IN LOVE AN BUTTER, WAS THE SEXIEST TURKEY PEE-PAW EVER DONE SEEN! SPLAYED OUT LIKE ONE OF THEM PINUP HOOTCHIES FROM THE SPANK AN SPLATTER RAGS!

THA PEE-POLE STARTED A WIGGLIN AN A JIGGLIN, STRAININ AGAINST ALL REASON AN GENEROUS CUT DEPEND DIAPERS, FIT TO BURST ON THROUGH!
BETWIXT ITS PERFECTLY COOKED LEGS WAS A GAPIN HOLE, PRACTICALLY A HOLLERIN FOR THE SACRED UNION BETWEEN FOWL AN MAN...

THEN ALL OFFA SUDDEN, THAT ROSE-A-LEEN-EE WOMAN DONE JUMPED THROUGH PEE-PAW'S WINDER, MAKIN AN AWFUL NOISE.
PEE-PAW WAS NOT TO BE DISTRACTED, BUT WHEN HE TURNS AROUND, THAT FRANK FUCKIN BOOTH WAS AT IT AGAIN, SHOVELIN THAT BLASTED BLUE VELVET UP THA SACREDEST HOLY OF TURKEY HOLIES.

"MOMMY!!! MOMMY!!! DON'T LOOK AT ME!!! DON'T FUCKIN LOOK AT ME!!! MMMMMMMM-RRRRRR!!!! DADDY'S COMIN HOME!!!"

THA TURKEY, BEIN A GENTLE TYPE OF SOUL UNACCUSTOMED TO SUCH ROUGH TREATMENT AN TOTAL LACK OF ARTFUL FOREPLAY, SAT UP, AN A RAN RIGHT OUTA THAT SAME WINDER THAT OTHER DAME RAN OUTA, WITH THA BLUE VELVET DANGLIN FROM ITS TENDER, JUICY, AN SUCCULENT HOLE, LIKE SOME SATIN SOAKED FLAG OF SURRENDER.

FRANK STARTS A-TWITCHEN AN HOLLERIN AN RUNS RIGHT AFTER IT, A TRIFECTA OF THINGS A-LEAPIN OUTA THAT WINDER, LEAVIN PEE-PAW FEELIN DRAINED, LIKE MOTHER PUP DROPPIN HER LOAD OF STILLBORN FLESHBAGS.

PEE-PAW SITS BACK ONNA COUCH, AN FLIPS HIM A TOP O PABST BLUE RIBBON, AN TAKES HIM A SWIG, NEXTA THA LYNCH FELLER.
"It's a strange world, isn't it." HE SAYS.

PEE-PAW WAS WOULD BE HARD PRESSED TA DISAGREE.

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Friday, November 22nd, 2002
10:48 am - PEE-PAW VERSUS THE LURES OF THE FLESH AND THE HAIR OF THE DOG
THE ROOM WAS SPINNIN, AN PEE-PAW WAS GRINNIN AS THE LIGHTS STARTIN CIRCLIN, DANCIN AN SINGIN LIKE A JUKEBOX MINUTE ON A SINKIN SAILOR'S DIME, TILL PEE-PAW COULD SEE STRAIGHT ENOUGH TO PUKE.

PEE-PAW DON'T LIKE PUKIN LEST PEE-PAW CAN SEES WHAT HE IS PUKIN ON!
PEE-PAW LEARNED THAT THE ROUGH WAY WAKIN UP IN THAT BUCKINHAM PALACE NEXT TO A SCREAMIN QUEEN LADY A-COVERED IN UPCHUCK.

THEYS SHOULDA CALLED THAT PLACE 'FUCKINHAM' AFTER PEE-PAW DONE RUT THE ROOF OFFIT!!!

NOW PEE-PAW FINDS HISSELF IN A RATTY LOOKIN HOS-SPITAL HORKIN UP GRIT AN GRAVY FROM A THREE DAY TOOT!
DAMN THAT RASPBERRY SHCNAPS!!!

TO TOPS IT OFF, THE PEE-POLE WAS ALL WRAPPED UP TIGHTERN' KING TUT!
CANDY APPLE RED SEEPIN THROUGH THA GAUZE FROM TOO MUCH FRICTION AN FRITTERIN!!!

"It looks like you have rubbed your way into quite the predicament."
A FAT FELLER SAID TO PEE-PAW.
"PEE-PAW DONT LIKE THE WAYS CHILLENS RUN RIGHT INNA ROAD. AINT CIVILIZED."
"That, dear sir, is where we are in complete agreement. My name is Donatien Alphonse Francois de Sade, but you can call me "The Divine Marquis."
"PEE-PAW'S NAME IS PEE-PAW, YOU CAN CALL HIM PEE-PAW, AN PEE-PAW CAN CALL YOU A LIMPED DICK PRICK IN WINTER!"

"I assure you, kind and elderly sir, that I have been accused of many, many wicked and nefarious deeds in my day, but that particular affliction has certainly never been one I could call my own. Be that the case, my life would have certainly been far the easier if it had."
"PEE-PAW ONCE ATE A FULL POUND OF GROUT!"
"Indeed, indeed. I have been known to wallow in the delightful mire of excess, myself. Although my appetites seem to culminate more in the orifice of evacuation, rather than consumption."

THE DIRTY FRUIT DONE FLICKED OFFA HIS SHEET SHOWIN A BOWLIN TROPHY STUCK WHAR THE SUN DON'T SHINE.
FILTHY PETE!

"The old 'eight-ten' split, eh?"

"PEE-PAW SHOULDA BEEN ABLE TO SMELL A POOF FROM ALL YER FANCY TALK!!! HINT OF MINT ENOUGH TO FILL A CHEWIN GUM JAM-BO-REE!!!"
"Your olfactory acumen no doubt limited by the discharge of my, shall we say, occupied backside. Although I must say, the restraint you have shown your bandaged manhood in its time of sorrow is indeed an inspiration, especially in light of your legendary libido. My blood is too hot to bear such terrible restriction..."

PEE-PAW WAS GONNA GET UP TO SHOVE A PILLA INTO HIS JABBERIN' MOUTH-HOLE, ONLY TO FIND HIS HANDS WAS TIED TO HIS SIDES. PEE-PAW A STRUGGLED AN STRAINED, LIKE A RANDY GOAT IN A SNOWSTORM!

"For your protection, they said. To keep you from touching and itching your miraculous member. There is no need for the violent histrionics, Mister Paw. I am just a lowly fan. I have been following you from afar, you see, marveling at your effortless decadence, from time immemorial. You sir, are the paragon of pure transgression, humanity at its basest core, celestial excess made sinful flesh, free of the stifling restrictions of morality and society. My entire literary output has simply been a crude allegory to your myriad adventures! Why, the four main characters in 120 DAYS OF SODOM are merely personifications of..."

"WHAT YOU SAY ABOUT PEE-PAW'S MAMMA???"
WITH NOTHIN MORE THAN AN ACHIN PEE-POLE, PEE-PAW WENT TO THRASHIN THA 'MARK-E THE SOD' SOMETHIN FIERCE!!!
PEE-PAW SMACKED AN SMACKED, THA PEE-POLE BOUNCIN OFF SKULL LIKE A LOT LIZARD AT A HAM JAM!

"Oh, OH!!! That is IT!!! Has heaven nor hell devised a more transcendent means of blunt rapture???!!!"
"YOU STOP LIKIN IT! PEE-PAW MEANS BIDNISS!!!"

PEE-PAW COULD STANDS NO MORE!
PEE-PAW USED THE ACHIN PEE-POLE, AN LIKE AN ELEPHANTS TRUNK USES IT TO BUST OUT A WINDER, AN PEE-PAW LEAPS INTO THA CLEANSIN LIGHT OF THA SUN.

FALLIN LIKE WET INK INNA FUNNY PAGES.
SOMETIMES A FELLER CAN'T WIN FER BOOZIN.

current mood: DISGUSTIFIED

(27 comments | comment on this)

Friday, November 8th, 2002
4:13 pm - SET PEE-PAW'S CONTROLS FOR THE HEART OF THE SCRUMP
DAMN THAT DIRTY CRIPPLE WITH THE WHACKITY WHACKITY VOICE MACHINE IN HIS WHEELAMAJIG THINKIN HE KNOWS WHAT'S FOR UP IN THA SKY!

ONLY BLACK HOLE PEE-PAW IS INNERESTED IN IS ONE HE CAN STICK HIS THUMB IN FER A QUARTER!
SHUT UP!
THE SILVER FOX IS A FINE STABLISHMENT FER GENTS AND FELLERS!

TALKIN SILLY CHILLEN TALK!
WHITE DWARFS!
PHOOIE!

PEE-PAW LIKES SAYIN 'PHOOIE' CAUSE IF YA LET THA SPITTLE SIT ON YER LIPS FER A WHILE WHILE STARIN AT 'GOLDEN GIRLS' RE-RUNS AN THEN SAY 'PHOOIE' BIG BLOBS OF SPIT STUFF WITH SHOOT OFF AN STICK TO THA TEE-VEE MAKIN IT LOOK LIKE BETTY WHITE AN BEA ARTHUR IS RUNNIN ROUND WIT MAN GOO A-STICKIN ETERNAL!

PEE-PAW HISSELF KNOWS THERE AINT NOTHIN UP INNA SKY BUT A BIG BRIGHT BLOB OF GLOWIN HOT, SIZE OF A BASKETBALL.
JUST LOOK ATTIT!

THEY TELLS YA NOT TO LOOK ATTIT CAUSE YOU CAN SEE THEM STRINGS HOLDIN IT UP, DANGLIN LIKE SOME HUBCAP UFO IN SOME SIXTIES CREETURE FEETURE!

GO AHEAD!
WHAT? YOU YELLA?
PEE-PAW ALWAYS KNEW YOU WAS A LIL' LIGHT IN THE LOAFERS!
PEE-PAW CAN SMELL HIM A HINT OF THE MINT, YA LIMP WRISTED NANCY BOY MARY!

PEE-PAW HISSELF ONCET DECIDED TO TAKE HIM OUT THE SUN. PEE-PAW WAS TIRED OF SEEIN LIGHT ALL THA TIME, AN IT MAKES IT HARD TO GET THA HUMPIN IN WHEN YA GOT SOME SHY LITTLE FILLY FRESH FROM WAL-MART WHO AINT NEVER HAD UNCLE POINTY MEET AUNTIE HYMEN!

"YOU GO SCAT NOW, YOU TAUNTIN ORB!"
PEE-PAW SCREAMED ATTIT.
"HOW YOU SPECT PEE-PAW TO GET UP IN DESE HERE GUTS???"
BUT IT DIDNT GO NOPLACE.

PEE-PAW COULDNT REACH THA STRING WIT SCISSORS, SO PEE-PAW THOUGHT HIM A PLAN. PEE-PAW COLLECTED ALL THE EXCESS BABY BATTER, SPUNKS AN SPEWAGE FROM SESSUAL FRUSTRASHUN FROM NOT GETTIN NO PLAY INTO A BIG OLE MASON JAR, AN WHEN IT WAS ALL FULL LIKE, PEE-PAW HUCKED IT AT THA SUN AN IT WERE IMMEDIATELY DARK, THA BRIGHT YELLER SUN INTO A SOFT WHITE BALL, THAT AINT INTO ALL THAT LIGHT SHININ, FRESH COVERED IN PEE-PAW'S BEST AND SPICIEST!

PEE-PAW KNOWED THEY'D CLEAN IT OFF IN BOUT TWELVE HOURS, SO HE WAITED A GOOD 24, THEN HUCKED HIM ANOTHER HUNK OF THAT SWEET, SWEET STUFF!

AN THAT, YA EGGHEADS AND SMARTY PANTS, IS HOW THA SKY STUFF WORK!
SPEAKIN O WHICH, PEE-PAW NEEDS TO MILK HIM SOME MOON GOO RIGHT BOUT NOW!
YOWZA!
HOT DOG!

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