MOTHER OF HARLOTS AND ABOMINATIONS OF THE EARTH

PEEPAW'S GOT HIM ONE OF THEM SIGN US INFECTIONS!
EVER FEW MINUTES PEEPAW GETS HIM THA FEELIN OF FAHRE ANTS SQUIRMIN AN SHAKIN IN HIS NOGGIN AN THEN A BUNCHA RANCID MAN GRAVY GOOP COMES SHOOTIN OUT OF HIS BREATHIN HOLES!
FILTHY BIDNISS!

ITS INTERFERIN WIT PEEPAWS REGULAR SCHEDULED DOINS!
PEEPAW HAS HISSELF ONE OF THEM UPWARDLY MO-BILE LIFESTYLES, CEPT WITOUT ALL THEM CAR-DI-GONE SWETTIRS AN KAKKY SHORTS THEM NANCY BOYS BE RUNNIN ROUND WIT.
BEST NOT BE COMIN ROUND PEEP-PAW WIT DEM SANDALS ON WITCHER TOYS STICKIN OUT LIKE UNCOOKED COCKTAIL WEENIES YOU MARTINI SIPPIN SH!TBAGS!

ITS TAKIN TAH ZING OUTA PEEPAW'S TROUSER SWING!
PEE-PAW WILL BE DOIN HIS BIDNISS BEHIND THA TAST-E FREEZE, PLYIN PORK UPON SOME DOZY TROLLUP ALL UP CLOSE AN PERSONAL ON THA BACK OF HIS BITCHIN CANDY APPLE RED TURCELL, BONKIN "BIG" BERTHA WIT DEM ULTRAMAN SIZED FUNBAGS WHICH GO FLIPPIN AND A FLOPPIN FIT TO FLY OFF LIKE TWO GLAD BAGS FILT WIT BACON!

PEE-PAW IS PRONE TA GETTIN HISSELF HIP-NO-TIZED BY SWIRLIN SWEATER MEATS. PEEPAW THOUGHT HE WAS A CHIKKEN FER TWO WEEKS AFTER HIS VISIT TA DOLLYWORLD.

SO THERE PEEPAW WAS, POKIN AN PRODDIN DAT WAIT-RESS SUMPIN FIERCE, FEELIN THA AMMU-NITION OF MAN CHOWDER BEIN READY TO SPARK OUTTA TWELF INCHES O BLUE STEEL WHENS ALL THA COME-OCEAN DONE SHOOK LOOSE SOME O THAT BOOGER SLIME OUTA PEE-PAW'S FACE AN RIGHT INTA BERTHA'S LITTLE BROWN SPIDER!
CEPT BERTHA'S BUTT OPENIN WAS MORE LAHKE ONE OF THEM CY-CLOPS WIT A SHINER AN A FERO-SHEOUS CASE O THA PINK EYE.

SO THAT SNOT SCUD MISS-ILE PLOPPED RITE INTA THAT ROUNDEYE LIKES HAFFA POUND O VANNILER JELLO PUDDIN!
SPLORCH!

LUCKY FER PEEPAW BERTHA WAS A CARD CARRYIN MEMBER O THAT BACKDOOR BIDDYS, AN USETA OFFIR HER BOOTY PLATTER UP TA BERDOO BADGERS MOTOR-CYCLE CLUB FREE O CHARGE. SHE TOOK THIS HERE UNFORTUNATE SNOT SOSHUL FO PAW AS AN LAYIN SAFETY FOAM FER A CRASH LANDIN ALONG THAT HERSHEY HIGHWAY! PEEPAW BEIN THA GENTLEMANLY CHAP HE BE, BALLED UP ONE FISTES AN GAVE THAT STARVIN STINKTER A HEAPIN HELPIN O KNUCKLE SAMMICH!

ITS CUSTOMARY FER THEY TO BE TWO FER THA PINKS AND ONE FER THA STINKS, BUT AS DEY SAY, NECCES-CITY IS THA MOTHIR OF INVENSHUN!

PEEPAW BEEN FEELIN BETTER LATELY. EVIR SINCE HE WOKES UP ONE MORNIN AN FOUND HE WAS DEAD.

BEIN DEAD AINT WHATIT USETA. USETA HAVE ONE OF DEM FANCY FUNERALS. PEEPAW WAS SAID TA PUT THA "FUN" IN FUNERALS. SPESHULLY WHIN ALL THEM WEEPIN WOMENS COME HANGIN OVIR TAH COFFIN WIT DERE TATERS ALL BULGIN OUTTA DERE FUNERAL DRESSES. IF IT TWERENT FER THEM SCRATCHY COFFIN PANTS PEEPAW WOULD BE NUT DEEP IN AFIR LIFE BOOB BUMPIN!

DEY STICK YOU WIT ALL THIS EMBOMBIN FLUID, WHICH GO DOWN REAL NICE WIT A FEW PABST BLUE RIBBONS. KINDA LIKE BEIN IN DAT RIDE AT THA DISNEY WIT ALL THEM METAL CRITTERS RUNNIN ROUND SCREECHIN AN HOLLERIN AN METAL MOUTHS A FLAPPIN BOUT BIZ BLAZZ AN HOO HAH AN PEEPAW LOOKIN AT ALL THEM LADIES WIT DERE BOOSOMS ALL FLIPPIN AN FLOPPIN LIKE FLAPJACKS ATTA TRUCK STOP DINER. "NOTTINS FINER THAN THA SMELL OF YER VAGINER" PEEPAW WHISPERS TO EM AN AFORE YOU CAN CATERWALL "ITS A SMALL WORLD AFTIR ALL" PEEPAW KNOWS DIS TO BE TRUE WHEN HE IS TRYIN TA STICK A FOOT AN A HAFF OF TALLYWHACKER UP SOME BROAD'S LITTLE BROWN SPIDER.

ALL DEM TROLLS AN ELVES AN SHIT START GATHIRIN ROUND, WANKIN AN SPANKIN, SWEAT BEEDIN UP ON DEY KNOTTED FOREHEADS, TINY PECKIRS SHOOTIN OFF LIKE POPPED PIMPLES INTO EECH OTHIRS BEARDS. SINFUL BIDNISS!

"FUCK OFF, SHORT STACKS! THIS HERE'S A PRIVATE MOMENT TWEEN PEEPAW AN DIS GIRL'S FANNY! BY THA FEEL HE GOTS HIMSELF A FIRST TIMER! FEELS LIKE SHE A QUART LOW!"

WHAT GETS EM RUNNIN IS WHEN YOU PULLS OUT THA OLD TUBE SNAKE AFTIR DOIN THA BACK DOOR BOOGIE AN YOU GOTS A LITTLE BIT O NATURE'S HERSHEY'S KISS ON THA END OF YER PECKER. THEM LIL FELLERS SQUEEL AN RUN ROUND LIKE FAT KIDS ATTA CAKE CONVENSHUN. YA TAKE SCRUMPY AN RUBS IT ON HIS UPPER LIP AN GIVES HIM ENUFF OF A FILTHY SANCHEZ AN HE AINT NEVIR GONNA MESS WITHCHA AGAIN.

STUMBLIN ROUND LIKE HE WIT DA SHAME OF A SHIT STAINED HITLER STACHE SURE DO GET A POINT ACROSS!

THERE PEE-PAW WAS, SITTIN ON THA TERLET, STRUGGLIN WIT AN SPESHULLY RUFF COLON CLOG. DAMN THEM FREEHOLE NEGROS! ALL THAT ROUGHAGE GOT HIS INTESTINES IN A STATE O REVOLT! IT WERE LIKE PASSIN A PO-LICE BATON OUT THA RAISIN HOLE. WHICH AINT NO FUN IFFYA AINT LUBED UP FIRST, LET PEE-PAW TELLS YA.
DAMN YOU, DEVIL BEAN!

SO PEE-PAW STARTS THA OLE STAND BY, WORKIN THA PEE-POLE LIKE A MERGENCY SHIT STOP BREAK. THA MORE HE YANKS, THA MORE THAT LOG DIPPED AND DIPPED TOWARD THA SWIRLY CHOCOLATE WATIR.

AFTER STRAININ AN CURSIN AN TWO NUTS BURST LIKE A SQUARSHED TOMATER, PLOP PLOP FIZZ FIZZ WENT THA CONSPIRATIZIN DOOKIE. CEPT PEE-PAW HAD HIM A PROBLIM. PEE-PAW USED UP ALL THA TERLET PAPER SEEPIN UP ALL THAT MAN CHOWDER HE DONE SQUIRT OUT DROPPIN THA LOG!
PEE-PAW ALREDY GOTS HISSELF A BATTLE FEELD O BEDSORES DOWN THERE, DON'T NEED NUTTIN ELSE DIRTYIN UP THA BACK PORCH!

ALL OFFA SUDDEN, THAT JOHNNY COCHRANE FELLER APPEARS ALL FUZZY AN BRIGHT WHITE INNA SHIMMERIN SEE THRU CLOUD FRONT N CENTER.
"IF ITS YOUR ASS YOU GOTTA WIPE TONIGHT
USE YOUR UNDERPANTS AND DO IT RIGHT!"

DAMN IF THAT FELLER DIDNT HAVE HIM A POINT!
ALL THEM COURT TALKIN GAVE THAT FELLER SOME WISDOM.
"YOU AINT WHISLIN DIXIE!"
"YOU CAN ALWAYS WAIT TO GET THE SCOOP
FROM JOHNNIE C. WHILE TAKIN A POOP."

"THASS GREAT. NOW GIVE PEE-PAW SOME PRIVACY, YOU SPECTRAL PECKER CHECKER!"

PEE-PAW THOUGHT HAVIN A RHYMIN SPIRIT WOULD BE GOOD FER SHITS AN GIGGLES, SPESHULLY THA SHITS, BUT HE STARTED TA GET PEE-PAWS STYLE MORE CRAMPED THAN A TUBBY HOOKER ON THA RAG.

SPESHULLY WHEN PEE-PAW WUZ WIT THA LADIES.
"IF YOU AINT GOT A RUBBER AND YOU WANNA RUT,
FLIP HER OVER AND POKE THE BUTT."

"SHADDUP, YOU! PEE-PAW DON'T NEED NO ADVICE BOUT PORKIN!"
"JOHNNIE'S EYES ARE LIKE A SHINY BADGE
AND HE SPIES WITH HIS LITTLE EYES THE GOOEY VAG!"
"HELL WIT CHU! LITTLE CLAMIDDEYA AINT HURT NOBODY! NOW GET!"

THEN HE STARTS TELLIN PEE-PAW HOWDA DO EVERTHANG!
"JUST A DAB OF BUTTER AND YOU SHALL SEE
THAT THAT TOAST WONT TASTE LIKE A RAG SOAKED IN PEE."
"THASS DISGUSTIN! SIDES, PEE-PAW NEEDS THAT BUTTIR CAUSE HE IS OUT OF THA KAY WHY. NOW YOU GIT!"

PEE-PAW STARTID COMIN AFTIR HIM WIT A FLY SWATTER, BUT SEEIN HOW HE WUZ DEAD AN IMMATIRIAL AN WHAT NOT, IT WERENT WORKIN TOO GOOD.

SO PEE-PAW VISITED HIM ONE OF DEM PALM REEDER TYPE PEEPLES, AN PICKED HIM UP SOME OF THAT "GHOST BE GONE" BRAND OF SUPIRNATRAL FLY PAPER.

HE HUNGS IT UP AN WAITED FER THAT FELLER TO COME BACK.
AN RIGHT AS RAIN, IT SETTLED HIS HASH!

"HOLY SHIT! I AM RIGHT AND STUCK!
GET ME DOWN YOU WRINKLED FUCK!"

PEE-PAW GRABBED HIM A BIG OLD O CULT TRASH BAG AN THREWED HIM IN IT.
IF THEM GHOSTS THIS STUFF DONT QUIT,
YER MONIES BACK IS WHUT YEW WILL GET!

PEE-PAW DONED JOINED HISSELF UP ON DAT 'MYSPACE' THINGAMAJIG, SEEIN AS HE DONE BEEN KICKED OUTTA EVREE CHAT ROOM DEY IS. THEM SUTHIRN BAPTISTS SHORE DON'T LIKE FELLIRS PUTTIN PITURES O THEIR TACKLEBOX ON THA INNER-NET!
STOOPID PRUDES!

SO PEE-PAW GOES WHAR THA ACSHUN IS, AN THA YOUNG LADIES AINT GOT NO SHAME OR SEMBLENCE O DECENCY! PEE-PAW GOES LOOKIN FER SOME FRESH AXE WOUND, BUT FINS SOMEPIN ELSE TO GET HIM TA GAGGIN LIKE A MIDGIT HOOKIR AT A GANG BANG.
WHAS ALL THESE HERE PITTURES WIT FELLERS WIT THEYS SHIRT OFF? THEY FILMIN 'HEE-HAW' ROUND THA CORNIR?

PEE-PAW COME HERE TA LOOKIT TITTIES AN PEER AT POON, AN ALL HE FINDS ISSA FELLIRS WIT BOOBAGES THA SIZED O BAKED HAMS! NIPPLES POKIN OUT LIKE WHORES-DERVS COCKTALE WEENIES!
DISGUSTIN!

SO PEE-PAW WANTS TA SEE MORE PITTURES OF LADIES WIT DEY SHIRTS OFF. SENT PITTURES OF YER MOMMY BAGS TA PEE-PAW, TA HELP E-RASE THEM VISHUNS OF FELLERS WIT THEY PERODACTYLS ALL LATHIRED AN HULKIN.

IFF'N YOUSE FEELIN GEN-RUS, SENDS SOME PITTURES OF YER COOTER, TOO!
SPREAD DEM LIPS LIKE A LARGE MOUF BASS!!!

PEE-PAW AINT SEEN SHIT IN FORTY DAYS!
THEM CAT-RACTS BEEN WORKIN UP SUMPIN SINFUL!

THEY PEE-PAW WUZ, LAYIN NEKKID INNA BACKYARD, WATCHIN HIM SUM MATLOCK WIT A LARGE TENSHUN CORD TO THA LIL BLACK AN WHITE TEE-VEE, LATHIRIN HISSELF RIGHT AN PROPIR WITH PABST BLUE RIBBIN INNA KIDDIE POOL.

PEE-PAW REMEMIRS THA TIMES WHEN EVERTHANG WUZ IN BLACK N WHITE! KIDS, DON LET DEM TEECHERS FOOL YA. THEY NEVIR WAS NO COLORS TILL THA FIFTIES, WHEN THA PITTURES HADTA COMPETE WIT THAT TELE VISHUN. TED TURNIR AN WALT DISNEY THEN INVENTED COLORS AND PUTTIM ON SCREEN. THEN TO FILL OUT THEY DASTURDLY DEEDS THEY MADE THEM A TIME MACHINE AN WENT BACK AN PUT COLORED ON EVERTHANG!

THEY PAINTED IN PITTURES AND PUDDIN AN PIE!

THEY WAS IN LEEGE WITH THEM COMMUNISS, SINCE THEY LOVED RED SO MUCH, THEY HAD TA INVENT IT! DIRTY FREE LOVIN RUSKIES! THEY WAS HIPPIES BEFORE THEY WAS HIPPIES!

SO PEE-PAW LIKES HIS PITTURES IN BLACK N WHITE THE WAYS THEY WAS BACK YONDIR. SO PEE-PAW IS STARIN AT DA SCREEN WHEN SOME SKIRRLS COME RUNNIN ROUND, CHIRPIN AN COLLECTIN NUTS, TA CHEW WIT THEY DIRTY, DIRTY TEEFS! LEEVIN SHELLS AN CANDIED SHIT FAR AS THA EYE CAN SEE!
PEE-PAW GETS SO CHOCK FULL O RAGE HE SHITS HIS PANTS RUNNIN!

CEPT IN THA THRASHIN AN PANT SOILIN, HE PULLS IN THA TEEVEE INTA THA POOL AN ELECTRACATES HISSELF RIGHT AN PROPIR.
HE HASTA GO FEELIN BOUT THA SKREETS, BLIND, NAKID AN COVERED IN BLOOD, LIKE A NEWBORN PUPPY BUKKAKE BLOWOUT.

LUCKY FER PEE-PAW IT WERE SUMMER, SO LADIES HAD ON DEM BIKINIS AN THEY BREASTESES HANGIN OUT! HOT TIGHT AN BOUNCIN LIKE JELLO ONNA TEETER TOTTER!

ALL THEM MOMMY BAGS FLIPPIN AN FLOPPIN UNDER FUMBLIN FINGERS GETS THA PEE-POLE HUMMIN LIKE A TOOTHLESS HOOKER AT A KAZU CONVENSHUN! WIT ALL THA BLOOD RUSHIN DOWN YONDIR, PEE-PAW STARTS GETTIN BACK HIS SIGHT.

AN WHAT DOES HE SEE BUT HIPPY AFTIR TREE HOLE FUCKIN HIPPY WALKIN ROUND WIT FLIP FLOPS! TOES STICKIN OUT LIKE STUCK SHITS IN AN ELEFANTS ASS!
PEE-PAW DOES THA SPONSIBLE THING AN GETS TA STOMPIN!
SKE-WISH SKE-WISH SKE-WISH!
TOENAILS POPPIN LIKE POPPIN KERNALS INNA PAN!

IT WERE LIKE STEPPIN ON GRAPES! PEE-PAW DRINKIN RIGHT TO-NITE!

PEE-PAW GOT HISSELF A CASE OF THA OLDE TYME REELIGION!
ITS A BADDIN, TOO.
ALMOST AS BAD AS WHEN HE DONE CAME DOWN WIT DA ACTIN BUG. WHICH DONE
TURNED OUT TA BE JUST GOOD OLE CRABS. LAST TIME PEE-PAW LETS JAMES LIPTON
USE HIS TERLET SEAT!

SO THEY IS PEE-PAW WALKIN AN SCRATCHIN AT HIS BATHIN SUIT AREAS, WHEN HE
SEES HISSELF A GOOD OLE TENT REVIVAL! CEPT DIS HERE WAS THA REEL DEEL!
FOLKS WAS HANDLIN SERPINTS, SPEEKIN IN TONGES, AN BREETHIN FAHRE!
THEY WUZ EVIN DOIN MIRAKLES, BUT THEY WUZ ALL PRACTICUL LIKE.

LOST TEE-VEE REMOTES WUZ FOUND, LEPPARDS HEALED, GENTILE WARTS SENT
SCREEMIN TA HADES, INTREST RATES LOWIRD, AN RETARDS A-UNAFLICTID. THEM
TARDS WENT TA REEDIN AN RITIN AN CEESED AND DE-SISTID WITH THEY SCREEMIN,
FIGETIN, DROOLIN AN PLAYIN WIT DEYSELF! PEE-PAW EVEN GOSTA COP A FEEL OF A
TOUCHED GIRLY WHO USLLY WENT TA HOLLERIN AT THA NOSHUN OF A GOOD PICKLE
TICKLE!

THIS ONE FELLER WAS DOIN ALL THE YAKKY YAKK BOUT SOME HOOHAH , AN PEEPAW
WERENT PAYIN NO MIND SEEIN AS THA CHURCH LADIES WUZ JUMPIN UP AN DOWN, THEY
FUN BAGS A FLOPPIN AN FLYIN! CEPT THA PEE-PAW WAS SET TA ITCH AN MESSY
SCRATCH CAUSEA THEM CREEPIN CROTCH CRITTERS!
PEE-PAW BEGAN TO DANCE LIKE HE GOT HOLY GHOST ANTS INNIS PANTS!

"I SEE YOU HAVE THE SPIRIT, MY SON" THAT JONES FELLER SEZ, WIT PEE-PAW
SEEIN HISSELF SQUIRMIN AN JERKIN BOUT IN HIS SHINY SEE YERSELF KINDSA
SHADES.
"SHEE IT, PEE-PAW'S GOT STUFF INNIS COLON OLDER'N YOU, CHURCHY!"
"MAYBE YOU WOULD LIKE TO USE SOME OF THAT EXTRA ENERGY TO HAND OUT THIS
KOOL AID TO THE REST OF THE FLOCK..."
"NOTHIN DOIN!" AS PEE-PAW GRABBDED ALL THAT JUICY JUICE FER HISSELF, AN
SLURPED IT DOWN.

"MY CYANIIIII...I MEAN, NOT SO MUCH NOW! WE HAVE TO SHARE!"
"NUTS TO THAT! WHY DONTCHA UP AN LOAVES AN FISHES IT, YA NO GOOD PAINTSUIT
WEARIN..."
PEE-PAW THEN STARTS FEELIN NOT SO GOOD IN THA GUT PARTS, AN HIS SEEIN STARTS GETTIN FUZZY, AN IT TWERENT JUST HIS GLOCK-COMA NEETHIR!
THAT REEFER IS MEDICINAL! HE GOTS IT FAIRS AN SQUARES FROM A PASTA-FARIAN!
HANDS OFF!

THEN A NEARBY WALL DONE BLOWS UP, AN SOME FELLER SHAPED LIKE A PITCHER OF
PERIOD JUICE COMES JUMPIN FORTHWITH.
"OHHHH YEAHHH!"
JONES STARTS GETTIN ALL ANGRY LIKE.

"SO, KOOL AID MAN. WE MEET AT LAST. HAVE AT YOU!"
"JONES, HERE IS YOUR RECEIPT FROM YOUR PALS AT THE C.I. HEY YEAAAAHH!!"

SO THEYS STARTS A PUNCHIN, KICKIN, SPITTIN ANNA SHITTIN, WIT THA
CONSTERPATED SLOSHY FELLER SPILLIN ALL OVIR THA OTHIR FELLER.
"I JUST HAD THIS CLEANED YOU CORPORATE SHILL!!!"
"TASTE SOME OF YOUR OWN MEDICINE, FRESHLY SQUEEZED FROM YOU THE U.S.HEY OH
YEAHHH!!!"
"NOOOOOO!!!!!"

BUT THA BES NEWS IS THAT GUT CHURNIN KOOL AID DONE KILT OFF ALL DEM CRABS!
CEPT IT GIVED PEEPAW THE BACK DOOR SQUEEWIRTS SOMEPIN AWFUL, BUT DAT TARDID
GIRL SHO DIDN MIND DA SMELL!
OH YEAHHH!!!

PEEPAW DONT KNOW ABOUT YOUSE, BUT HE IS GONNA LIVES FOREVIR.
PEEPAW ALREADY DONE DIED A FEW TIMES, BUT WASNT GONNA LET A FEW THINGS LIKE BULLITS, BOMBS, BEAR BITES AN BLOOD LETTIN KEEPS HIM DOWN!

SO PEEPAWS HASTA KEEPS UP TA DATE WIT RELIGEN STUFFS.
PEEPAW LIKED HOW THEM INJUNS SAID YER BODY STAYED WITHCHA THRUS HELLS AN HIGH WATIRS, SO HE DONE JUS THAT, STOLE BACK HIS SCALP, SLAPPED IT BACK ON WITTA MIXCHORE OF MAN MILK AN TREE SAP, AN SLEPT ONNA BLANKETA SMALL POX LIKE IT AINT NO THANG!
NOT TA MENSHUN SHOWIN SOME SQUAWS THA "HAPPY TRAIL OF TEARS"!!!
BIG HEAP POISON!

THEM KEERISTER FOLK LETCHA KEEP YER SKIN SOOT AS QUICK AS YA SIT, BUTCHA GOTTA WAIT FER THA TRIPATASHUN AN ARM-A-MELLON AN FANCY BUGLE PLAYN AN WHUT NOTS, SO PEEPAW SAID KEEP YER EYE CANDY MOSES, PEEPAW IS ON THA LAMB.

SO HE LIKES HIM THAT RE-IN-CARNATION INSTANT BREKFAST HOO-HA. CEPT HE AINT WAITIN TO BE NO BABY NOWAYS, SO PEEPAW FINDS HISSELF A BIG OLE WOMIN, FLICKS OUT THA ZY-GOAT, AND SLEEPS IT OFF FER NINE MONTHS, TILL ITS PEE-PAW'S MEAT CURTAIN CALL.

PEE-PAW DONE PUSHED OUT, NEKKID AN KOOL AID COLORID, SLAPPED THA DOCTIR, TOOK HIS TAHME AT THA TEETS, AN MADE HIS WAY TO THA ALL NIGHT DIRTY BAG ALL YEW CAN EATS JAMBOREE!

"THIS AINT NATURAL" SAYS THA BIRTHIN LADY.
"NEETHUR YORE HAIR COLIR. CHESTNUT MY AUNT FANNY! NOW LESS WHININ, AN MORE DININ!"

AFTIR PEEPAW WUZ DONE, HE WENT STROLLIN, TILL SOME HIPPY STARTS TELLIN PEEPAW HIS BIZNUSS.
"HEY, MAN, YOU CAN'T, LIKE, REINCARRRRNATE THAT WAY, MAN!"
"NUTS TO YOU STINKY! PEEPAW DUZ WHATSHE WANTS. NOW MAKE WIT THA STICKY ICKY!"
"NAW, MAN, YOU ARE LIKE, MESSIN WIT THA COSMOS! WORD HAS IT BUDDHA HIMSELF WANTS A PIECE OF YOU. HE'S WRESTLIN AT THE COBB COUNTY CIVIC CENTER. CHECK IT OUT!"

SO PEEPAW MAKES HIS WAY DOWN YONDIR AN LO AND BE HOLD, ONNA POSTER THERES THA RAMPAGIN BUDDHA VS. "NATURE BOY" RIC FLAIR.

PEEPAW BURSTS IN AN MAKES HIS WAY TO THA RING, WHERE THIS BOOOHA SITS LIKE A STUCK PIG IN A PIGGLY WIGGLY FOTO SHOOT.

"OUTA THA WAY, GRAMPS." PEEPAW SEZ TO THA FELLER WALKIN FRONT OF HIM IN THA SEEQUINT GOWN.
"DO YOU, WOOOOOOOO, KNOW WHO I AM? I AM THE JET FLYIN, LIMOSINE RIDIN, KISS STEALIN, WHEELIN DEALIN SON OF A GUN! YOU WANNA BE THE MAN, YOU GOTTA BEAT THE MAN!"
"PEE-PAW LIKES PEANUT BUTTIR ONNA STICK."

PEEPAW DISTRACTS THA LOUD TALKIN FELLER WIT A BAG O SNIFFIN POWDER, AND MAKES HIS WAY TO BUDDHA.
"YOU AINT KEEPIN PEEPAW FROM COMIN BACK WAYS HE SEES FIT, FATTY!"
BUDDHAW GETS ALL RED AN SWEATY AN SEZ:
"The four noble truths clearly dictate that..."
"PEEPAW SEZ YOU AINT NUTTIN BUT TEN POUNDSA GREESE INNA FIVE POUN BAG! UNFORCHEWNATE FER YEW, BEIN BORN GIFFS PEEPAW AN EVIL LUST FER PIG FAT!"

SO PEEPAW GRABS HISSELF A BIG OLE PEECE OF BUDDHA BLUBBER AN STARTS CHAWIN. TASTES LIKE BACON SOAKED IN PACHEWLI ERL!
GRITS AN GRAVY, ITS HARD EATIN!

BUT PEEPAW CHEWS AN CHEWS, CHOKIN DOWN EACH ENLITENED BITE WIT A SLUG OF OLE PABST BLUE RIBBON, TILL THEY AINT NUTTIN BUT ASSHOLE, TEEFS AN TOENAILS.

LESS SEE THA DOLLY LLAMA DO DAT!

THA LAST TAHME WE SAY PEE-PAW, HE WOKE UP FINDIN HISSELF ON ONE OF THEM NAVEE SHIPS IN THA MID SEVENTIES.
WELL, MAYBE WE AINT, BUT PEE-PAW CANT A KEEP TRACKS OF ALL HIS COMINS AN GOINS!
SOMETIMES PEE-PAW FINDS HISSELF HUDDLIN IN BUSHES OR TAKIN HIM A SQUAT IN YOURINE INFESTED BACK ALLEYS.
AINT NO TELLIN!

SO ANYWHO, PEE-PAW HAS TA FIGGURE SOME WAY OFFA THIS HERE BOAT. PEE-PAW NEVER DID LEARN HISSELF TO SWIM. WHEN PEE-PAW WUZ YOUNGIR, THEYS TRIED TEECHIN HIM THA DOGGY PADDLE, IF THEY TOOK OFFA HIS WATIR WINGS, HE DONE SANKED RIGHT TO THA BOTTIM! THEN PEE-PAW HAD TA BREETH HISSELF WATIR! WHICH AINT WHATTITS CRACKED UP TO BE, NEETHER.

BUT ITS BETTRN SPLISHIN AN SPLOSHIN ONNA TIN BOAT WIT NO POON AS FAR ASSA EYE CAN SEE, SO PEE-PAW STARTS BLOWIN AIR INTA HIS UNNERPANTS, SO THEYS FLOAT WHEN HE HITS THA WATIR, CEPT HE KEPT GETTIN GLANCES O THAT PEE-POLE, WHICH IS MIGHTY DISTRACTIN!

"PRIVATE PEE-PAW, WHAT IS YOUR MAJOR MALFUNCTION!!!"
IT WERE THAT R. LEE ERMY FELLER, HOOTIN AN HOLLERIN.
"YOU IS AWFUL PUSHY FER A MIDGIT!"
"WHAT IN SAM HILL IS WRONG WITH YOU, PRIVATE PAW? IT LOOKS LIKE YOU ARE TRYING TO SUCK A GOLF BALL THROUGH A GARDEN HOSE! THIS HERE IS A MAN'S ARMY!"
"THOUGHTS THIS WUZ THA NAVY!"
"NUMB NUTS, YOU JUST BOUGHT YOURSELF KITCHEN DETAIL! BUT FIRST YOU GOTTA PICK OUT A UNIFORM! WE HAVE QUITE THE SELECTION. YOU CAN BE A COWBOY, A CONSTRUCTION WORKER, AN INDIAN, A..."
"NAW! PEE-PAW AINT BEIN NUTHIN SO DANGED FRUITY! PEE-PAW WILL TAKE HIM THA LEATHER BIKER, THANKEE VER MUCH!!!"
"GET TO THE MESS HALL!!!"

SEEIN AS PEE-PAW WAS HONGRY FROM ALL THAT HUFFIN ONNIS PANT PARTS, HE DIDN MIND ATTAL. CEPT HE WAS HEERIN ALL MANNIR OF NOISE COMIN FROM THA BIG OPIN AREEA NEX TO THAT TERLET. SEEMS THA FELLERS WAS HAVIN THEM A RASSLIN CONTEST! CEPT THEY WUZ ALL GREESED UP SOMEPIN FUNNY, AN NOT WEERIN NOTHIN BUT THEY UNDIES!

"HEY THERE, SEMEN! CARE TA TAKE A TUSSEL?"
FORE PEE-PAW KNEWED WHUT WAS HASSLIN, THEY WAS A GROPIN AN GRABBIN, AND THROWIN PEE-PAW INNA RING.

ALL THAT JOSTLIN GOT PEE-PAW'S PARTS INNA BUNDLE. PEE-THEN HADTA SINCE UP HIS INDUSTRIAL SIZED MAN BRAZEERE, AS TA NOT DISTRACT THA OTHIR SAILIN MEN ALL DELIQUENT IN THEYS SPERM SHOOTIN EX-TRAVAGANZAS.

YES, PEE-PAW WORE HIM A SUPPORTIF UNNER GARMIT!
HIS PTERODACTYLS AINT AS TIGHT AS THEY USTA BE!

CEPT THA OTHIR FELLER AINT HERD OF NO GOOD SPORTSMANSHIP, AN TAKES HIM A WHACK AT PEE-PAW! HE TRIED TA TAKE VANTAGE, AN SLAP ON THA OLE "COBRA CLUTCH"!
DEADLY BISNISS!

CEPT PEE-PAW WASA TRI STATE CHAMPEEN IN CATCH AS CATCH CAN RASSLIN, THREE YEARS RUNNIN, AN THA INTERGENDER CHAMPEEN FER LIFE UNTIL THAT ANDY KAUFMAN CHARACTER RAN OFF WIT DA BELT.

PEE-PAW TOOKS HIM DOWN, BUT THAWT IT WAS TAHME TO TEECH THESE HERE FELLERS A LESSON. PEE-PAW REDIED HISSELF FER HIS DREEDED SUB-MISSUN MOVE, "THA SODDOM-MISSHUN", WHICH CONSISTS OF CORN HOLIN A FELLER TILL HE CRIES OUT MARY!
PUT THIS FELLER WERENT A TAPPIN! HE STARTS COOIN AN MOANIN LIKE A BABY WITH AN ASS FULLA ASFALT!

THIS CALLS FER DESPERITE MESURES! PEE-PAW HADTA PULL OUT THA DREDED AN INFAMUS "ANAL SPITOON"! A MOVE SO HIDEUS THAT IT CAUSED ABDULLAH THA BUTCHIR TO BE BANNED FRUM HIS NATIF SUDAN FER LIFE!

PEE-PAW HAD A MOUF FULLA CHEWIN TOBACCER, SO HE GRABBED THAT FELLER BY THA BUTT CHEEKS, SPREADUM LIKE A BUTTIRFLIES WINGS, AN LET FORTH WIT THA SPITTIN.
THAT BACCIR JUICE STARTS A BUBBLIN ANA POPPIN, LIKE BACON INNA PAN!

GROWED MEN WAS FAINTIN! THA PAINT PEELED FROM THA WALLS AN MULES CRIED FOR MERCY!
THAT FELLIR QUIT WIT A QWICKNESS, AN PEE-PAW WAS THA CHAMPEEN AGIN!

IT WERE SO POPLAR THAT PEE-PAW GOTS TA TRAVIL WITH THAT BOB HOPE FELLER TA INNERTAIN THA TROOPS, AN EVEN GOTA PLAY GOLF WIT GERALD FORD. BESS PRESIDENT WE EVIR DONE HAVED SINCE HOWARD 'FATASS' TAFT BIT THA WRONG END OF THA BUCKIT!

PEE-PAW WAS LOOKIN ONNA INNER-NET THA OTHIR DAY, AN HE IS A-PALLED!

SEEMS FELLERS OUT DERE IS WRITIN WHAT THEY CALL THA "SLASH" FICSHUN! DIRTY TALES BOUT HARRY POOPSHOOT SMOOCHIN AN FEELIN UP ON LIL BOYS, AN CAPIN KIRK AN SPOCK GETTIN IT ON!

ONE STOREE EVEN HAS KIRK THA ONE WHO GAVE SPOCK THEM FUNNY EARS BY A TUGGIN AN A YANKIN ONNIS HEAD DURIN A BIT O THA SKULL FUCKERY!
FILTHY!

SO PEE-PAW DECIDES TA WRITE HIS OWN, CEPT HIS IS ALL REEL!

HERE IT WERE, THA MID SIXTIES, AN PEE-PAW WAS INNA PRIME OF SCRUMP! THEY WAS FREE LOVE INNA AIR, EVEN THOUGH PEE-PAW NEVER HADTA PAY FER IT!
CEPT WHENS HE WANTSA HOT CARL ORRA CHILI DAWG.
DAMN PRUDES!

CEPT DERE WAS ONE FILLY WHO GAVE PEE-PAW AN ITCH HE JUST GOSTA SCRATCH, AN FER ONCE HE WERENT TALKIN BOUT THA V.D!

PEE-PAW IS TALKIN BOUT THA VOLUPTUS AN LEGGY JULIE NEWMAR!
PEE-PAW SEED HER A SITTIN ROUND INNA CAT SOOT ONE DAY, PETTIN A KITTY ON HER LAP.

"PEE-PAW. WHAT A PURRRR-FECT SURPRISE. WOULD YOU... LIKE TO PET MY PUSSY?"
SHE ASKED A BATTIN HER COME HITHER EYES.
"SHO-NUFF! AN HE WULDNT MIND GETTIN UP IN DAT COOTER, NEITHER!"

PEE-PAW LEEPS SKRAIT UP INNA AIR, AN RIGHT OUTA HIS TROUSERS, WHICH WAS A KEEPIN HIS TALLEYWHACKER FROM HUMPIN!
PEE-PAW LAID IN THA STROKES LIKE HE WAS PLAYIN MINI-ATURE GOLF WITA BACK O RETARDS!

PEE-PAW SMACKED IT UP, HIT IT, RUBBED IT DOWN!
OH-NO!
PEE-PAW DID IT EIGHT WAYS FROM BROADWAY!
HE DONE IT LIKE THE MISHUNARY, THA INVERSE HALF GAINER, PLAYED THA BUTT CHEEK BONGOS, GOT NO ONLY HIS DOG INNA BATHTUB, BUT THA WHOLE KIT AN KABOODLE, ALL OF THA KARMA SHOOTYA, AN HALF WAY INTA THA SONG O SOLOMON WHEN THA DOOR DONE BUST OPEN, AN ADAM WEST AN THAT LIL FRUIT BASKIT OFFA BOYFREN HE HAD WITTUM, ALL DRESSED IN THEY UNNERWERES.

"HOLY COCK BLOCK, BATMAN! PEE-PAW IS MOUNTING OUR CONQUEST!"
"I SEE HIM ROBIN. PEE-PAW, YOU DIABOLICAL..."

ROBIN STARTED SQUIRMIN, CLAWIN AT HIS PANT PARTS.
"BRUISING BLUE BALLS, BATMAN! BUT I AM BRUTALLY BACKED UP!"
"NO NEED FOR THE EXCESSIVE ALLITERATION, OLD CHUM. THE BAT POLE IS ACHING AS WELL."
"YOU PROMISED ME THAT NEWMAR WAS HOT FOR IT! AND TONIGHT WE WOULD GET THE 'EFFIEL TOWER'!"
"WORRY NOT, ROBIN. THE EFFIEL TOWER...WILL BE OURS."

PEE-PAW HAD ALL HE COULD STAN, HE COULD STAN NO MORE!
"UNLESS ONE-A YEW NANCY BOYS WANTA USE THEM FLAPPIN GUMS SET TA FLUFFIN, PEE-PAW IS GONNA HAFTA GIVES YOU THA BUSINESS FER RUININ SOME PERFECTLY GOOD WOOD!"

AN WIT DAT, THAT FISTESES WAS FLYIN!
CEPT PEE-PAW USED THA PEE-POLE FER REAL ROCK EM, SOCK EM ACSHUN!

BIFF!
SOCK!
KER-FLUFFLE!

"HOLY ASS-HAT BATMAN, WE HAVE BEEN BESTED!"
"NOT QUITE YET. PEE-PAW, HOW WOULD YOU LIKE A TALL, COOL CAN OF BAT BLUE RIBBON?"

PEE-PAWS MOUF WAS AN ARID DESERT O THIRST, ONLEE THREE HOURS OF HUMP CAN MAKE! PEE-PAW WAS TOO BUSY THRUSTIN AN SEXIN, EVEN HUMPIN TAH PILLOWS WHEN THA LADEE HADTA REST, SO HE HAD HIM A MIGHTY THIRST!

"MUST...NOT...GIVE...IN..."
"THAT'S IT PEE-PAW, STEP AWAY FROM THE POON-TANG..."

UNTIL PEE-PAW WAS SAVED BY THA FIESTY HANDS O MISS NEWMAR, WHO LET OUTA HISS, AN WENT TA WORKIN ON THA PEE-POLE LIKE A HOUSE O FAHRE!
STROKIN WIT LIGHTIN QWIKNESS, SHE POPPED OUTA CLAW AN STUCK IT RIGHT INAT PEE-PAWS RAISIN HOLE, SHOOTIN PEE-PAW'S BABY BATTER ALL OVIR THEM DO-GOODERS!
PROSTATE POWER!

"SUFFERING SEMEN, BATMAN! I CAN'T MOVE!"
"SAVE YOUR WORDS AND YOUR STRUGGLING, ROBIN. IT ONLY MAKES THE STENCH MORE...POWERFUL..."

MISS NEWMAR STRETCHED ONNA BED, NAKED AN SLICK WIT SWEAT, PURRIN LIKE A KITTEN.

"YOU HAVE ANYTHING LEFT, TIGER?"

PEE-PAW TOOK A LOOKIT THA SUN DIAL O THA PEE-POLE, AN NOTICED IT WAS STILL SET TO A QUARTER TO SCRUMP!

IT WERE THE LATE SEVENTIES, AN LIKE USHWAL, PEE-PAW WOKED UP IN A PAHLE O FILTH. SOME OF IT WAS EVEN HIS!

SEEMS THAT PEE-PAW CAMED DOWN WIT A BIT O THA PATREEAT BUG DURIN HIS LAST BENDER, AN UP AN JOINED THA NAVY!
THAT AN THA LARGIST CASE O THA CRABS THIS SIDE O RED LOBSTER.

"YOU DIRTY GNATS AN KNITS! PEE-PAW'S PUBIC HUTCH AINT NO FREE RIDE! PREPARES FER EX-TERMINASHUN!"

"SCREE SCREEEEE!"
SAYS THA BIGGEST UN.
ITS ANT-TEN-I A POKIN OUTA PEE-PAW'S RAISIN HOLE LIKE A PAIR O BURNT MATCHES STUCK BACK INNA BOX.

BUT PEE-PAW KNOWS THEYS FILTHY SECRIT.
DEM CRABS STARTID OUT AS YER NORMIL HEAD LICE, A BOUNCIN AN SUCKIN BLOOD ONNA WIGS O OUR FOREFATHIRS, WHEN THEY WAS JUST SMELLY APES!
CEPT THEY HAD FULL RUN O THA BODY, TYRANTIN AN HEGEMONIZIN UP A FRENZY!

TILL MAN MADE FAHRE, AN BURNTID OFF MOSTA HIS BODEE HAIR.
SKUNK APE, SASCROTCH, AN YER BOMINABLE SNOWBEAST SKOFFED AN SHUNNED DIS BURNED APE, AN DROVE IT FRUM THA SUGAR PLUM VILLIGE O PARADISE.
THEY WORE THEM BUGS AS A BADGE O HONIR, AN WERENT BOUT TO GET RIDS OF EM, NOHOW!

BUT THEM BUG CRITTIRS WASNT BOUT TO GIVE UP DA FIGHT, NO SIR-E-BOB!
THEY MADE THEM A PERRY-LESS JOURNEY DOWN A TRAIL O TEERS OF TIN-E HAIRS, AN MADE THERE NEST IN THA PUBIC BUSHES THERIN!

KNOWIN THEY WASNT BOUT TO SET FAHRE TO THERE HUMPIN KIT, THEY MADE THEY LIVIN. CEPT THEY ADAPTIMATED, AN CHANGED INTA SOMEPIN MORE FEIRCE! THEY LOOKED DOWN ON THEM NANCY BOY HEAD LICE, AN STARTID MORE VENTUROUS CONCHWEST!

THA BIGGIST O THA BUNCH WOULD THEN TAKE HIM THA TREK ALONG THA MOST DREDED PATH O ALL, THA BERING TAINT, FROM THA FERTILE AN WRINKLY HILLS O THA BALLSACK TO THA WINKIN VOID O THA PUCKERIN STINK HOLE!

THEY WUD STICK THEYS BOTTOM BITS INNA HERSHEY TOWN, THEN STICK THEY HEAD BITS OUT FER BREATHIN! SOMETIMES MORE'N ONE WUD GIT IN THERE.
IT WERE EXTRA BAD FER THA PRE-HISTRIONIC LADIES!

SUM CASES HAD ONE FER THA PINK, TWO FER THA STINK!

WHEN THEYD GET TOO BIG, THEY RANNED OFF AN SWAM UNNER WATIR AN BECAME THEM KERMIT CRABS. THEY LIKED IT BETTER, CAUSE THEY COULD MOVE ROUND BETTER, AN NO HAFTA FIGHT OFF THA BATTERIN RAM OF SHIT LOGS THAT WOULD COME A FLYIN!

PEOPLES USTA POO OUT THEY MOUTH BEFO THEM CRITTERS. IT CAME OUT WRAPPED IN CELLO-FANE, WIT A PURDY BOW ONNIT!
THA BODEE ONLY LERNED TO POO FRUM THA BACKSIDE TO FIGHT THEM ASS USURPIN ANAL SPELUNKERS!

BUT PEE-PAW AINT GOT THA HINT O MINT THEM WIMPY EERLY FELLERS HAF, SO HE AINT AFRAID TO NAPALM THA HAIL OUTA THA BATHIN SUIT AREAS!

PEE-PAW GETS HIM THA FINEST KER-VOS-E-A AN WHITE LIGHTNIN, PUTS EM IN A BUCKIT, AN DIPS HIS NEKKID SELF DOWN!
THINGS START A BURNIN AN A CRACKIN!

DAG!
BURNS LAHKE HELL FAHRE!
LIKE GOD ALRIGHTY IS A SMITIN AN SETTIN SCURGE TO SPHINCT AN SCROTIM!

BUT OUT FLOTE THEM VARMITS, ONE BY ONE, LIKE RAISINETTES FLOATIN ON A PILE O VOMIT, LEEVIN PEE-PAW'S PRIVATES JUST THAT!

BUT PEE-PAW LERNDED HIS LESSIN.
NO MATTIR HOW FINE IT FEEL ON THA FANNY, SHAG CARPET ONNA TERLET SEAT JUST GOSTA GO!